[Note: My column a couple of weeks ago on the McDonald's coffee case sparked some interesting reader mail, especially when I mentioned smoking. Given those responses, I decided to take this opportunity to clarify my thoughts on smoking and smokers to some degree. - Rev. Bob]
A couple of weeks ago, I ended my "guest column" with the following note on smoking:
For the record, I also disagree with the practice of suing tobacco companies because you come down with lung cancer. Everyone knows cigarettes are dangerous, so if you continue to smoke, it's your own fault if you get cancer from it. In other words, people need to take responsibility for their own actions instead of blaming other people - which is exactly the point that I wrote that essay to illustrate.
Some people have called me to task on this, mentioning that kids sometimes get hooked on cigarettes and are unable to quit, and other situations that supposedly make some smokers not responsible for their habit. You know what I say to this? If they hadn't started, they never would've gotten hooked to begin with! Does someone strap these people into a chair and force 'em to smoke, until they're hopelessly hooked and can't do a thing about it? Nope. The smoker takes that first drag, he assumes responsibility for his habit - it's just that simple.
Now, while I'm on the subject, some varieties of smokers are even dumber than the rest. I see these guys every day, whenever I run by the convenience store to pick up Mike and Hamm's latest columns. See if you recognize any of the following....
The Complainer - This guy bitches about how expensive cigarettes are, yet he's buying 'em a pack at a time (often with a new lighter, to replace the one he bought yesterday and has already lost) at a convenience store. Y'know, there's a tobacco store right down the street with lower prices, and I hear they even give away free lighters. One would think that someone so concerned with prices wouldn't go to the most expensive place in the city to get their fix. Of course, he could buy a carton at a time and save some money even at the convenience store, but this nimrod can't even think that far ahead! This leads me to:
The Quitter - You know the guy. He buys a pack at a time because "I'm trying to quit." Look, asshole, if you were really trying to quit, you wouldn't be buying more cigarettes! A friend of mine fits into this category; he's recently started smoking some ultra-light brand with the idea that this will give him less nicotine and make it easier to quit. Maybe I'd believe it if he wasn't smoking twice as many....
The Kid - If any of you underage smokers think you look cool by smoking, here's a note especially for you: YOU DON'T! You look like exactly what you are: an idiot who thinks that looking cool is worth chopping your expected lifespan down by a huge chunk. Yeah, go ahead and puff away - maybe you'll manage to die before you can breed! (And don't even get me started on how sexy smoking ISN'T....)
Mr. 18 - This schmuck just turned 18, and so he can now legally buy his smokes. He obviously thinks that his birthday left a big mark on his forehead saying "I'm legal!" and is now outraged when a clerk checks his ID. I've got news for ya, buddy: you look the same now as you did a month ago, when you were still underage. Speaking of looks....
Mr. 25 - This guy's been legal for a good, long time - seven years. Therefore, he doesn't see the need to carry his ID in with him to buy cigarettes...and he gets upset when he's carded for 'em. Trouble is, federal law requires that clerk to check your ID unless, in his opinion, you look at least 27. The law doesn't care how old you really are; you've got to be able to prove it to the clerk. This helps both of you - the clerk checked, so he's safe, and you can get your precious smokes without having to worry about the store being shut down for breaking the law. (By the by, blustering and threatening the clerk with a complaint to his boss won't work. Do you really think he'll get chastised for upholding the law? More likely than not, he'll be commended for his actions!)
Variety Pack - This dude pulls up with a carload of his buddies, and walks in to pick up a pack for each of 'em. Do you really expect us to believe all of these different packs are for you, and that the other zit-faced punks in your car are just going to sit around and watch you smoke 'em? Nope, we'll have to see all their IDs before we'll sell you the smokes; second-party sales are illegal.
So, here's the bottom line. Smoking itself isn't a smart activity, but if you're going to do it, you could try not to be a complete idiot about it. That's it for this week; I'm outta here.