Is it just me, or do many women have no idea what true "give-and-take" is in a relationship?
Last week, I talked about the dating scene and some of the games women play there. This week, it's time to discuss what happens after you get into a relationship, and some of the pitfalls there.
The biggest danger in a relationship is the simple matter of communication. This doesn't sound like such a big deal, does it? If you want something, you speak up so that your partner knows you want something. Men are easy to communicate with, yet women apparently have no clue how to go about it. Men aren't mind-readers; we're human beings who have to try to decipher what you mean by what you say and - if we're good - by how you say it. Consider the matter of initiating sex in a relationship. If a woman tells me "no" when I make a move, how am I supposed to know whether this is a "real no" or a "no means maybe, and maybe means yes" answer? Maybe I missed out on getting my Secret Relationship Code Book when I hit adolescence, but I just don't see how a man is supposed to tell the difference in these exchanges:
Man: Want to have sex?
Woman: No. (meaning "I don't want to have sex.")
Man: Okay. (leaves, honoring her stated wish)Man: Want to have sex?
Woman: No. (meaning "I want to have sex, but I'm playing hard to get.")
Man: Okay. (leaves, honoring her statement because he "wasn't sensitive enough" to sense what she really wanted)
In the second case, the man is supposed to keep trying so the woman can give in...but if he does that in the first case, he could get in serious trouble. The result is that in the first case, the woman gets exactly what she wanted - but in the second, she gets exactly the opposite of what she wanted, because any man worth having is gentlemanly enough to honor a woman's wishes not to have sex. Now, imagine if we men could read minds - that shit still wouldn't work:
Man: Want to have sex?
Woman: No. (playing hard-to-get)
Man (reading her mind): Ah, playing hard-to-get, are you? Screw this; I'll look for someone honest enough to say what she means.
Woman (aghast at being found out): But...it's not supposed to work like that! You're supposed to want me more because you can't have me! You're supposed to pressure me some more so I can give in without feeling like I'm giving in, even though I really want to!
Man: You mean you want a man who doesn't give a shit about you as a person, and is therefore boorish enough to try to pressure you into the sack regardless of your repeated objections?
Woman: Uhh....
This is the other big problem with playing hard-to-get: if the man's not into playing games, the oh-so-coy woman gets left out in the cold. See, this "hard-to-get" shit is for the birds. It's just a way for women to attract insensitive men while shunning men who actually want to treat women like real people. (And you women wonder how you wind up in relationships with abusive and insensitive men? This also explains the whole problem of "date rape" - if a woman says "no" and the man thinks she means "pressure me some more" when she really does mean "no", then they both suffer because of a stupid mind game.) Make your desires clear, and we men will know what you mean. Everybody will be happier for it, and it's a lot more honest. I know the pat response to this is that women have been taught that men don't respect women who seem too eager to have sex - but how are we supposed to respect women who would rather play mind games than be honest? This all comes down to communication; if women were more interested in communication than in mind games, this whole issue would cease to exist.
Here's another example: Talking About The Relationship. If a man has a problem with the way a relationship is going, he'll say something about it. If a woman has a problem, she'll hint around and hope the man will turn into Sherlock Holmes and piece things together. SAY SOMETHING! You know, if I wanted to be a detective, I'd work for the FBI! If we could read minds, we would - just because then we'd finally be able to decode what women are really trying to say. No relationship problem was ever fixed by a lack of communication, so what do you think is going to happen when you expect your boyfriend/husband to read your mind? You guessed it - they're probably going to guess wrong, and the relationship's in more trouble.
While I'm on the subject of communication, let's examine one of the biggest examples of non-communication between men and women: the toilet seat. If a man goes into the bathroom and sees the seat down when he wants it up, he puts it up and considers the problem solved. If the seat's up and he wants it down, he puts it down and gets on with his life. To a man, the position of the toilet seat is a simple issue that he can fix all by himself. On the other hand, if a woman goes into the bathroom and the seat is up, it becomes a federal case. Apparently, we men are supposed to always leave the seat down when we get done, out of respect for women. Why? Is a woman any less capable of seeing that the seat is up and putting it down than a man is? Are women somehow deserving of more consideration on this point than men are? Why is the man in this situation expected to make all the concessions for the woman? Tell ya what, ladies: I'll start leaving the seat down if you'll start leaving the seat up. After all, fair's fair and I want the seat up a lot more often than I want it down.
That's another thing: women have no trouble playing mind games with men, but when a man turns those tactics back on a woman, she gets offended, never realizing that she's experiencing exactly the same frustration that her boyfriend/husband lives with from her. Mind games have their place, but a relationship isn't it.
Some of you out there may think I'm full of shit and that I don't have a clue what I'm talking about. Well, here's a True Story from my past. Back in my own Dark Times, I met a woman and we first became friends, then fell in love. I was committed to keeping the lines of communication open, and so I told her exactly what I was thinking when I had concerns of any sort. The problem was, she was meek and reserved to the point that I honestly don't think she knew what she was thinking sometimes. (How bad was it? One time when I asked if she wanted to have sex, she responded with "I don't know." What kind of answer is that?) Ultimately, the lack of meaningful communication between us led to a breakup - and now I realize that I really want to know that a woman knows her own mind and has the ability to express it before I think about dating her.
I guess I'm really only trying to say one thing in this column. Everybody professes to want a solid relationship based on trust and communication. The trouble is, you don't get that by playing mind games or by expecting your partner to know what you're thinking. What you get when you base a relationship on mind games is a foundation of miscommunication, uncertainty, and deceit. Don't you want more than that? If you really care for someone, why on earth would you jeopardize that just to play a few mind games? What you get from expecting your partner to be psychic is disappointment (because he's not psychic, no matter how much you want him to be) and pain (because you're driving away the sort of partner you really want while attracting abusive and insensitive partners).