Like most Americans, I and my darling children have managed to live our entire lives without ever seeing a nipple--not even the ones on our own bodies (which we usually keep covered with delicious creamy duct tape). Sunday, however, during the Super Ball Game, our innocence was SHATTERED when Jason Tamberlane (formerly of the Backstreet Kids On The Block) exposed the breast of Jane Jackson onstage during the Half Life show!!!!
I immediately acted to preserve my children's innocence by reaching over and pressing my thumbs into my kids' eye sockets and gouging out their tiny eyeballs.
They were made a bit uncomfortable by this - but far better that they suffer such a minor discomfort than be warped by the sight of a naked human breast and have their morals shattered and go on a shooting spree or turn into sexual deviants or start smoking cigarettes or lusting after Turks or worse!!!!
I mean, I didn't mind it when my kids saw all the violence in cartoons ever afternoon after school. Violence is fine, violence is okay, violence is sweet and dandy like candy, and I have no problem with my kids seeing flying body parts and bang bang bang, just as I have no problem with their little heads being filled with the shitty artwork and incoherent storylines and martial arts battles and screaming alto dialogue that is the hallmark of such shows as Pokemon and Digimon and Japanese Hello Kitty Murder Theatre and Hello Kitty: Power Rangers Anal Gland Popper Nacho Editon. I believe that Jesus and the FCC and Laura Bush are fully with me on this issue.
Much is being said about this in the news.
"I am outraged at what I saw during the halftime show of the Super Bowl," the FCC chairman said in a statement. "Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better."
The other FCC commissioners issued similar statements. In addition to the racy halftime show, some of the commercials shown during the game featured previews for violent movies and jokes employing scatological humor.
The Federal Communications Commission launched an investigation into Sunday's controversial Super Bowl halftime show yesterday and FCC Chairman Michael K. Powell telephoned Mel Karmazin, president of CBS parent Viacom Inc., to express his outrage, saying the entertainment giant should have known what was going to transpire during the show.
The FCC probe will encompass the entire halftime program - including the brief exposure of singer Janet Jackson's breast and the sexualized dance routine precipitating it - to determine if it violates indecency standards set in law and enforced by the FCC.
The FCC has defined broadcast indecency as "language or material that, in context, depicts or describes, in terms patently offensive as measured by contemporary community broadcast standards for the broadcast medium, sexual or excretory organs or activities."
Thank You FCC for protecting me against such HORRORS and DANGERS as "boobies" and "the fuck word." Lord knows that of all the evils in the world, what we need the government to be protecting us from is pixels on a glass screen on a box in my living room - a box which has absolutely no off switch whatsoever, and I am helpless to defend myself against.
In closing, may God and the Chattanooga News-Free Press save my fuckin' soul.