Have you ever gone into a c store, yourself a legal adult, trying to buy some smokes, get yer nic fix, and were denied on the grounds that you dinnae have no ID? Didn't it make you mad - you're an adult, but this jerk won't sell you smokes? You probably were mad enough to shut, and most likely did at the idiot clerk. You probably couldn't understand how someone could be such a jerk as to not sell you smokes on some stupid technicality; I mean, how does it matter, right? The clerk ain't goona get fired over this, right? So what's this stupid clerk's problem?
Here is us clerks' problem:
WE DON'T GET PAID TO BREAK THE LAW, NOR DO WE GET PAID TO CARE.
Occasionally, I attempt to explain this fundamental principle to Nameless Faceless Screaming Eejit Customers. It never works, but it's amusing to try, as in the case of Mr. And Mrs. Eejit....
So as the Eejit couple storms out the door, calling me names on the maturity and creativity levels of kindergarteners, yours truly is unable to keep a straight face. I can see it already, three months in the future: the Eejit couple winds up on Oprah...
(Voiceover: Oprah speaking while weirdly angled, out of focus scenes of my store are shown.) "Like millions of convenience stores all over America, this store was built in order to serve the public, giving them such valuable necessities as Laffy Taffy, Philly Blunts and Caffeine Free Diet Cherry Pepsi. But imagine if you went into this store to get your daily nicotine fix, and this clerk" (close up of myself, looking like an ogre thanks to the crappy camera work) "denied it to you! And furthermore, not only did his superiors fail to punish the clerk's actions - they went on record saying they condone these suppressive policies! Sound like something out of a George Orwell novel?"
(Switch to the studio; the Eejit couple sitting onstage.) "Well, it actually happened to these folks." (Audience gasps.) "Yes, yes, I know it's horrible... Mr. Eejit, why don't you tell us about it in your own words."
"Well, Oprah, it's like this. One night, I was hungry and needed some smokes, so me and the little woman, we stop at this c-store. I'm thinking, bag of chips, some candy, pack of smokes and I'm outta there, right? So I go in there, grab some food and place it on the counter, then ask the clerk for a pack of Cancer Reds. And this guy, he asks me for ID! I think he's kidding - I mean, I'm twenty-one, old enough to buy beer; there's no way he's serious. But apparently he derives some twisted pleasure out of denying me smokes, so I apologize and discreetly go out to the car and send the wife in. She's driving, so she has her license with her. But then, the horrible man, for no explicable reason, he won't sell the smokes to the wife, neither!" (Tears well up in Mr. Eejit's eyes.)
(Oprah pats the guy's back.) "There, there... And I understand you contacted the management, who failed to resolve the problem?"
"Yes... when we called the manager the next day, he mumbled something incoherent about some law, obviously legislated by the Conspiracy Against Law-Abiding Citizens... either that or they just make up these so called 'laws' as they go along, part of their sick little game..."
(Oprah turns to the monitor behind her, and I flash upon the screen, with a black band over my eyes.) "We now go live to the store, so we can boo and hiss at the clerk... Mr. Clerk, how do you explain your belligerent actions?"
"Well, let's see. Guy comes in, asks for smokes. As both my job and the law requires, I ask him for ID. The guy doesn't have it; I say sorry, can't sell them, then. The guy goes into No ID Spiel #12: 'But I'm 21, I'm old enough to buy beer!' I tell him it doesnae matter, it's the law; no ID, no smokes (I also consider telling him that if he'd ever read more than the comics and the sports in the newspaper, he might have known that the FDA recently passed regulations stating that nationwide, everyone under the age of twenty seven must have a valid picture ID in order to purchase cigarettes. However, I don't say this; score one for my apathy). Now this eejit's too lazy to even make an attempt at a ruse or something of the sort; instead, he opens the door and shouts out to his wife in the Lexus (doesnae that make ye wonder? He WORKSHARD (after all, hard work always equals money, right?) to own a Lexus, but is too lazy to even attempt to sham me), he yells to her to come in and 'buy the smokes for me.' Naturally, I won't; it's a second party sale, just as illegal as selling the things to him (after all, the law doesn't care how old you are; it's how old can you prove you are). I try explaining this to them; the whole point of the law is to Keep Cigs Away From People Who Cannot Prove They're Over 27; therefore, selling them to her is just as much a violation as selling them to him; she counters with the standard 'No, I'm buying these smokes for me', whilst taking the money from him; I shake my head: 'I dinnae think so-'"
"Wait!" breaks in Mr. Eejit from Oprah's studio. "How do you know she wasn't buying them for herself, eh?"
"Well, the fact that you just said 'Hey, come in and buy these for me' tipped me off, you know..."
"Okay," Oprah interrupts. "Now Mr. Clerk, can you explain your superior's belligerent reaction to the phone call the next day from the Eejits?"
"Yeah, I believe the manager said something along the lines of, 'Okay, lemme get this straight. You were in my store, cursing at my clerk because he wouldn't BREAK the LAW for you, and now you have the nerve to complain? Look, you gits, what if we went to the Bank of Smeg where you work and said "Hey, would you mind embezzling a couple hundred and giving it to me? Yes, I realize you could lose your job; yes, I know it's illegal; yes, I realize you'll gain nothing from the transaction; but why not do it, since you're gonna come in our workplaces and make exactly the same absurd requests of us..."'"
"Listen," Mrs. Eejit says, "do you realize that as long as you continue following these stupid, weird 'rules', you're gonna lose sales?"
"Lose sales cause I refuse to break the law? My God, the thought! Especially considering that I don't work for commission..."
(General pandemonium ensues in Oprah's studio.)
"You didn't have to be so rude!" Mrs. Eejit screams.
"Rude? Are you daft? I believe that my exact words were, 'Your entertainment value has waned; you two may exit stage right...' And I believe I said that after you two began debating which male organ I 'suck hard'... I'd say my actions were in line, considering that I'm hardly getting paid enough to deal with eejits like you; yeah, as if I want to stand there n take insults for my refusal to break the frigging law, all for a glorious five seventy five an hour, and then you gits had the nerve to complain... look, get a lawyer, call the ACLU, sue me for Age Discrimination, I don't care..."
Six months later, I'm regretting that last statement. The Eejits did get a lawyer, and their argument in the Supreme Court went something like this: "Well, although Mr. Eejit did say to Mrs. Eejit 'Come in and buy these cigs for me; I ain't got no ID', and while Mrs. Eejit did come in and attempt to buy said cigs, that does not automatically mean they attempted to break the second party sale law, even though that pretty much fits the definition of breaking it... see, we cannot absolutely prove that when Mr. shouted to the Mrs., she dinnae hear him, and just by pure coincidence happened to think 'Yeah, I don't smoke but I think I'll start, so while my husband's in there yelling about I don't know what I think I'll go in there and buy a pack for myself', so when she told the clerk she was buying the cancer sticks for herself, she meant it, and honestly had no intention of giving them to her IDless husband..."
The Supreme Court finds in favor of the Eejits, effectively destroying the second party sale law. Soon, tobacco companies are paying Designated Adults to hang out in c stores, so minors won't be hampered buy all those silly, suppressive, anti capitalistic regulations....
Welcome to hell, folks.
Bottom line: When I asks for ID, I'm asking for ID. Dinnae reply with "I'm twenty-one years old!"; I will say that I dinnae ask how old you are, I asked if you had ID... And when you don't get your smokes, POLITELY LEAVE. Why? Because:
The law says you must have a valid, picture ID to buy cigs. Exceptions: none. The law also says that if you don't have ID, no smokes for you. The law also says you cannot get yer friend/wife/guy in line next to you to buy the smokes for you.
You are a complete stranger. Why on earth would I not only break the law, but also risk fines and losing my job, for you?
Screaming, cursing, etc will not improve your chances of getting smokes. Even if I was going to sell them to IDless you (Which I'm not- see #s 1 and 2), why on earth would I sell them to you after you curse me, eh? What, you think I'm thinking "Well, I ain't gonna sell these smokes... oh wait, now he's calling me names, so now I guess I have to?"
Whether or not you get smokes makes no difference to Us Behind The Counter. Absolutely none. Therefore, if I'm gonna break the law, I'm gonna do it in such a way that benefits myself. And selling smokes to the Nameless Faceless Screaming Underage/IDless Eejits does not now, nor will ever, in any way benefit Us Behind the Counter.