Nameless Faceless Lexus-Driving White Woman #45,678.2 walks intae my store. Us Behind the Counter is busy reading the local rag, trying to keep up wi whether or not Bibi's goona get it from Israel's parliament or not, and I find myself unable to concentrate. Every ten seconds my browsing a world affairs is interrupted by such brilliant, burning questions as "How much are these fifty-cent candy bars" (yes, I wis actually asked that; I replied "five dollars"), "Do you have a mens' room" (Yes; its the door behind you; the words Men's Restroom painted on it might be a good clue); and "You got any orange pops in this here ice cream cooler" (Well, I'm not sure; while I wish I had nothing better to do than memorize the whole store's inventory, and then keep a running tab of what we are and are not out of, I am burdened wi certain other responsibilities).
Finally, Nameless Faceless White Woman dumps a mound a candy etc. upon me counter; I spend the next three hours ringing the cripe up. When Us Behind the Counter tells her the total, she hands to us a wad a strange, brightly colored pieces of paper that look like play money. Having nae become accustomed to the ways a the South, I turn to me Brethren Behind the Counter, Hamm, n ask him in which orifice I should suggest to the woman that she ought to stick her badly counterfeited bills.
"No, no," Hamm laughs. "Those are food stamps."
"Wha?"
"They're like money, sort of. Theoretically, at least, you're supposed to be able to buy only food with them, but any of the overpriced crap in this store can be purchased, save maybe cigs and beer."
I looks down at the woman's heap o cripe. "Even these pickled pig's feet smothered in chocolate sauce?"
"Yep."
"Even these breath mints, which cost more than a loaf a bread and have less nutritional value than pocket lint?"
"Yep."
"Even this chewing gum?"
"Yes, even the gum."
"But that's gum! Not food!"
"Even the gum," Hamm groans.
I scratch me chin. "Cool! How do I get these food stamps?"
"You get them from the government. They give them to you as a reward for dropping out of high school, having six illegitimate kids, and marrying an alcoholic who lives in a shack, a guy who can't work and collects disability cause a tractor ran over his foot when he was twelve. The food stamps save you from the inconvenience of actually having to pay for your own food, so you can spend your welfare check on Cancer Reds, beer and lottery tickets."
"Excuse me," the woman breaks in, "but are you two gonna ring this up?"
Hamm shrugs. "No. We don't take food stamps."
"Why not?" the woman squeals.
Hamm smiles. "Inconvenience Stores' CEO is a Pat Buchananite."
The woman stares blankly.
"A hardcore Republican," Hamm says.
More blank staring.
Hamms eyes bulge. "You know, a conservative, against government waste?! You know, liberals vs. conservatives?"
"Liberals vs. conservatives?" The woman frowns. "Are them football teams? I like Bama."
Hamm buries himself under the mound of candy, and I spend the next six hours trying to coax him out...
Now, don't get me wrong. I realize that many, if nae most, of the people who use food stamps are not lazy, irresponsible eejits. I'm nae fundamentally opposed to welfare; for many who've fallen on hard times and who have mouths to feed, food stamps are a necessary source of relief until employment can be found. However, having served many ages as Us Behind the Counter, I sometimes find it difficult to remember this. Take, for example, a True Story as related by C.P., a Brethren Behind the Counter:
Redneck Male enters store, places one pack of chewing gum upon the counter.
"That'll be twenty-five cents," says C.P.
Redneck Male proceeds to pay for the gum with a $20 food stamp. C.P. gives R.M. change in the form of nineteen $1 food stamps, and seventy-five cents.
Redneck Male stares at the change, snorting and huffing angrily.
"Yes?" groans C.P.
"What'd you gimme this fer?"
"That's your change, man."
"This ain't change. This's more damn food stamps!"
C.P. rolls his eyes. "In accordance with the law, thou givest food stamps, thou receivest food stamps in return..."
R.M. slams fist on counter. "How the hell am I supposed to buy cigarettes now, huh?"
C.P. doesnae dignify that question wi a response.
Having been through similar incidents myself, I often must remind myself that no, everyone who uses food stamps is nae a wasteful git. Everyone who uses them doesn't spend them a c-stores, where the only items that could even remotely be considered necessary, nutritional food are bread and milk, both of which are available at seriously reduced cost at grocery stores. And no, not everyone on welfare is essentially getting government-subsidized Cherry Pez, Diet Pepsi, Barbecue Pork Rinds and Bazooka Joe. However, I would like to have at least some clue about how much of this sort of nonsense is going on.
Here's me plan:
Pick, at random, a few dozen food-stamp recipients from each state. When these people spend their stamps, make them get a receipt for all purchases at all places, even (especially) c-stores. When these people go to pick up next month's food stamps, have them turn in the receipts, under pain of losing benefits (I dinnae think asking them to get receipts is too much, too difficult - do you?). Have some volunteers (I know some Libertarians who would be glad to) post these receipts on the net, so we the public can get at least a little bit a an idea a what sort a items these poor people need so desperately.
Food stamps come from the government; the government comes from your taxes. Don't you think you have a right to know how your tax money is being spent? Some, of course, will say that asking this a the recipients is an invasion a privacy. Well, these people live off the government; we the taxpayers are the government; therefore, they live off a us. And as me parents told me, "As long as we are subsidizing your existence (well, actually, they said living under their roof, but same thing), we have every right to know what you're buying wi our money."