HER husband was bringing the boss home for dinner. SHE was supposed to make a nice, savory meatloaf and some mashed potatoes. But when she got home, she found herself making roast chicken instead. Sure, it was tasty...
BUT IT WASN'T HERS. She... she had...
SOMEONE ELSE'S GROCERIES!!!
Tonight, ABC presents the first of a twenty-seven part miniserie
Um, M.P.?
Huh?
Um, yeah. It's me. What's up?
Workin oan thit script fir the movie ay the week ir whae nae fir ABC. Why, whatcha need, Hamm? And how the hell did ye git intae me computer? And why does the top a me screen now say "Give Us Yir Money an Shut Up"?
That's what I need to talk to you about. Censorship. It's kinda important, it concerns you directly, and I'd explain how I got in your crappy Apple //e but I don't have time.
Um, otay. Whae ever. Sae whae's wrong?
I better tell you in person. I'll be there in five minutes.
Five minutes? How? Despite the fact thit we work ay the same Inconvenience Store, we does live ofa 2,000 miles apart, ken?
Don't worry about it. I'll be there. Just DO NOT turn your monitor off....
Omigod. I dinnae ken - Us Behind the Counter is sae far in shock, ah dinnae ken whae ah feels. Outrage? Nae, too obvious, an too cliche. Disappointment? Yeah, thit's more like it.
Havin spent many yonks workin ay a Inconvenience Store in a small, Southern town, ah oughts tae be used tae this. Ah ought tae expect it, even. But I did nae.
Eftir awl, Chattanooga, ah'm told, wis listed among the "Top Ten Most Enlightened Cities" by the Utne Reader.
Ah dinnae ken. Much ay me info, ye must understand, is secondhand. But's here's the story, as ah've been told.
I shall begin ay the beginnin.
Several months ago, I wis contacted by Adam Hixson of Soddy Daisy, Tennessee. Adam is the editor ay inVision, a gay-lesbian an such newspaper. He'd heard about me an me rantins from his friend Hamm.
Adam wis printin a debate in the May issue, a debate over whether ir nae the gay community is actually just a big marketing scam perpetrated by the various Evil Corporate Empires. He asked me (ah guess I. Lance Koan wis nae available?) tae write the con side.
The pro side, written by Peter Anderson, essentially said thit yes, the gay community is a marketing scam; whae once wis a untied front fighting fir gay rights wis now a group being exploited by corporations an such. He said thit corporate America wis usin gay stereotypes tae sell products, an the gays were sittin passively by, allowin themselves tae be pigeonholed. Essentially, he said, he did nae want tae be labelled.
Ah wrote the con side, takin the viewpoint ay a member ay the gay community, an then askin mahsel if I felt exploited. Here, originally printed in the May 15 issue ay inVision, is whae ah wrote:
Corporate America, exploiting the gay community? Nae way! I dinnae believe it! NAE WAY! Well... maybe. Let's get out a couple a the latest Advocate, have a looksee...
Ads fir AIDS awareness, ads fir watches, financial advice ads, liquor ads, vacation ads, AIDS drugs ads, more liquor ads, insurance ads, beer ads, cigarette ads...
Now, let's take a look a the ads in Playboy: cigarette ads, liquor ads, lots a sportswear ads, lots a beer ads, motorcycle ads, more cig and liquor and beer ads, oh my! Whae does this mean?
1. Corporations seem tae be targeting their ads toward the magazine's audience; in gay-oriented mags, they put in ads fir things gays would be more likely tae be interested in. How dare they? That's exploitation, dammit! They oughtta fill the pages wi ads fir fundamentalist Christian study groups, prove they're nae targeting one market specifically...
2. Magazines like The Advocate are funded by advertising; by buying ads in the magazines, corporations allow such publications to survive. How dare they! Corporations should say "No, we don't want to buy advertising space, for fear of accusations of exploitation," and let the mags go bankrupt, destroying the voice of the gay community...
3. Everyone knows that if a corporation puts an ad in a mag, its readers are, like mindless zombies, unable tae stop themselves from going out and purchasing the advertised product. We the readers are being exploited; not only is the evil corporation supporting our mags, it's taking our money since we certainly don't have the freewill to choose whae we will an will nae buy.
4. Corporate America, nae a minority of religious fanatics or reality-starved politicos, control the country; America is its economy, ken? Money is, as always, the bottom line. And the fact that Corporate America is "exploiting" the gay community can mean only one thing. Corporate America, in defiance of the politico/Chrinazis, has given us the highest honor it can: they recognize the gay community as a legitimate, serious, permanent, exploitable part of America.
Put us intae a targetable, exploitable marketing group, like they previously have wi blacks, whites, men, women, teen, etc? And therefore they, the most powerful force in America, recognize our legitimacy as a community?
How dare they?
- M.P. Madden
Sae, the debate wis printed, the issue went tae press an wis distributed awl ofah Chattanooga and its surroundin communities, an awl wis well. Ah figured ah'd never hear anythin about it again.
Until now.
Last Thursday night, the Chattanooga Barnes an Nobles bookstore held an open mike night. Present a this wir Philip Raines an Mike Miller, two lifelong Chattanooga residents.
From whae ah heard from Hamm (who heard it from Adam, who heard it from Philip an Mike - yeah, thit is fairly convoluted), this is the story:
The open mike night wis pretty borin. Apparently the crowd wis much thinner than Mike and Phil had hoped; they'd figured on a nice large crowd tae inflict their poetry ir fiction ir whae nae upon. Instead, ah'm told, awl thit wis present wis a few awld folks y some Super Stoner Boys sippin cappuccino. Mike n Phil started oot readin poetry, an gettin nae reaction from the crowd, moved on tae other, more ridiculous fair, stereo instructions ir somethin. Finally, fir reasons ah dinnae even want tae begin tae attempt tae fathom, they saw fit tae read ay selection from inVision, specifically the debate. One ay the guys read what I'd wrote; the other read Peter Anderson's side.
Apparently thit git some reaction from the crowd, but nae as much from the Barnes an Nobles employees. After they were done readin, the girl in charge ay open mike night comes oop tae Mike an tells him somethin along the lines thit whae they'd just done wis nae appropriate, thit all things read hud tae be acceptable fir awl audiences, etc, and they should nae have done thit, n should nae do it again.
In other words, they did nae feel that a reasonable discussion wis appropriate fare fir their store. Why? Since neither masel nir Pete Anderson wrote anythin thit could be classified as obscene ir offensive (nae curse words, nae graphic descriptions ay gay sex), ah kin only figure thit it wis cause it mentioned the words gay n homosexual an such.
Yeah, B n N folks. Keep them gays in the closet.
Chattanooga: A city, apparently, still in the grip ay awl the Southern Baptists. Mickey Mouse, get yer arse outta there.
Ultimately, I'm disappointed. B n N is a private, corporate store; certainly they have the right tae determine whae can n can nae be said on their property. But the thing is, they sell magazines like The Advocate, n they have plenty ay gay fiction. I understand in Chattanooga, they even have inVision.
Ah guess the implication is, they want ye tae read it, buy it, but DINNAE say it oot loud.
Just give us yir money an shut up.
Editorial note: At press time, Mike was unaware of a peculiar bit of irony to this piece. As I was hooking up the links for this article, I stumbled upon an article that detailed how Barnes and Noble was cooperating with PlanetOut "to celebrate Gay Pride with a special Pride Bookstore micro-site." I kid you not. Incidentally, I'd also heard about this event - and I can vouch for it. Believe it or not, Mike's serious with this one. - Rev. Bob