Dear Netheads:
Me modem shorted oot when ah went oot fir kitten food (dinnae ask). When I gits back, ah found this oan me screen. Have strange feeling it may not be from this:
If ye guessed A, ye are a "serial dater."
Seeing as how I'm too lazy tae press DELETE, read oan.
...and so, dear readers, the curse continues. Thanks to the thermonuclear-level bad karma accrued by my great-great grandfather, M.P. Madden the first, I and the rest of the male Madden children are cursed to whittle our days away working at Inconvenience Stores.
I heard a rumor the Dark Overlords are transferring me to the new outpost orbiting the Gingrich black hole. I know, I know; the Vedledians evolved beyond the need for bodies, much less beef jerky and Diet Plopsi, six trillion years ago. But rumor has it that their recent contact with the human race has devolved them significantly. Think I'm kidding? The U.S. government has already committed eight billion dollars to initiate a focus group that will study the options for creating a program to find out the exchange rate between our currency and the "thought-stuff" the non-corporeal, omnidimenisional entities occasionally house themselves in.
Speaking of our government, I just learned that the Air Force has finally completed the four-decade, ten trillion dollar study entitled "the Clinton Years". Seems that, in order to pacify the various conspiracy theorists, revisionist history majors and other fruitcakes, the Air Force commissioned a study to once and for all lay to rest the rumors concerning that confusing period of this nation's history. Apparently some people out there refuse to believe we actually, democratically elected the guy, much less reelected him, and are convinced some sort of more sinister forces must have been at work.
I must say, their report raises infinitely more questions than it answers. But before I get into that, I've got to wonder about what in the hell made them need to commission the report in the first place. I mean, the Air Force is a government agency, right? So why, exactly, did they have to spend so much time and money to uncover their "facts?" Being part of the government, you'd think they could simply look up the records pertinent to that time and, oh, I don't know, read them? But no, they have to form Conference Groups, give those groups cash so they can hire more investigators to interview those people who through the miracle of Extra Strength Super Stoner Boy Juice (SSB's: they put enough chemicals in their bodies to fell an elephant, yet they never seem to die; you know the jingle) are lucky enough to have dodged aging and have lived from the Clinton years to the present, and so on.
It's kind of like if you asked me, "Hey, M.P., what'd you do last Saturday night?" and I said, "Oh, lemme see. Can't say offhand. I know what to do, though. First I'll go to Madagascar and see if anyone there happens to perhaps have a copy of my diary. Figuring that won't work, I'll then interview anyone who might happen to know any of my friends, and see where my friends were Saturday night. I'll spend a few million drawing maps to triangulate all the positions of all my friends that night, which may give some idea of the general vicinity in which I may have been found in the evening in question. I'll then spend another million searching all of those areas searching for the fingerprints of a koala bear, just to prove from the start that no Australian mammals were involved."
"For those that still are not convinced, I'll spend another million doing a study that proves the vast majority of Australian mammals are, in fact, usually located in Australia, and a thorough search of the addresses of the mail found in my garbage and a full report of my financial resources at the time will show the vast unlikelyhood of my having somehow obtained a Koala Bear through mail-order, not to mention another million to prove my definitive animosity concerning all things cute and fuzzy..."
You get the idea. The point is, the Air Force was trying to answer the questions; everyone in Washington, including Socks the Cat, knew Webster Hubbell was under investigation for various white collar crimes, with the exception of the White House's residents Mr. And Mrs. Clinton. Even their lawyers admitted to knowing it. Were the Clintons lying, just plain stupid, impossibly daft or what? Alos, everyone involved in the failed S&L knew the group was engaging in illegal activities, except the Clintons. Again, are they really that stupid, and if so, how could anyone possibly trust them at the helm of the nation? And finally there was the statement by VP Gore concerning the fact that he made illegal (illegal, that is, to common sense; through legal gymnastics, a very popular sport at that time, Gore claimed that when fund raising calls made from government buildings was deemed illegal, the rule somehow didn't apply to him) calls from the White House: He did nothing wrong, he was proud of what he'd done, and he'd never do it again.
Also questioned by the Air Force were nebulous, ephemeral statements that became a trademark of the Clinton administration, such as building nonexistant bridges from one imaginary place to another. In times since, many folks have come to believe that these sort of shenanigans must have been the result of hallucinogens slipped into the national drinking supply, or perhaps a conspiracy involving holograms, illict exchanges of huge portions of currency, and random involuntary chemical lobotomies.
The Air Force, however, has concluded something even less credible.
Apparently, in the 1950's the Air Force conducted a series of experiments which for some reason involved dropping dummies equipped with parachutes from weather balloons. Many of these dummies landed in Washington, and thanks to their Air Force Instant Law Degree and Genial Personality Glow-in-the-Dark stickers, were well on their way to successful political careers before they even hit the ground. Of the rest of the dummies, which were scattered across the continent, many had been issued Voter Registration Cards....
The Air Force, when confronted with the obvious fallacy (the dummies were dropped in the '50s; the Clinton administration began in the '90s), replied, "Well, you know, timelines get all compressed and confused and such, you know, people's memories begin to falter..."
Next week, I plan to interview the weird green creature which claims to have originated as beef jerky, then spent decades sitting behind the toilet in the Men's room, growing mold and feeding on urine, till the fateful day last week when a random bolt of electricity shot out by some old guy's malfunctioning HammCo ShockMe Automatic Heart Reviver transformed the kippered fuzzy green steak into "Mordred, Lord of the Secret Stench".