Dinnae ask me how it happened.
I dinnae ken. I dinnae want tae ken.
Nae, actually, ah does want tae ken. May scare me, though.
Ummmmmmm....
On second thought, ah take it awl back. Everything bad I've said bout the Tennessee legislature. Why? Cause sometimes, government by chimps, for chimps, can have its fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.
Nae thit I'm condoning their past stupidity. Fir example, the bill introduced this year, tae outlaw the eating of cats and dogs (THE EATING OF CATS AND DOGS!!!!) Why oan earth would they need tae pass that? Too many Mountain Folk causin a shortage a cute puppies and kittens, servin their mysterious Suprise Meat Pie? Nae.
In their own words, they said they felt the urgent need tae outlaw pet eatin "not cause we're trying to target any one specific ethnic group or nothing, but there have been a lot of them Orientals moving here lately...."
And let's nae forget last year, when, fir reasons perhaps no one can fathom, they saw it fit tae intro a non-binding resolution "not actually requiring, but strongly encouraging, all businesses in the state to post the Ten Commandments." I will nae go intae the obvious idiocies a thit, oan the grounds thit they are obvious.
But this time...well, they've truly Done It. This one touches awl kinds a issues, ranging from government accountability tae how ol M.P. can profit from this tae how in the HELL these guys get elected. Although I'm nae sure I'd change it - you know the old adage about a million monkeys typing randomly fir eternity will eventually produce the works ay Shakespeare?
Well, the Ruling Chimps have waxed most poetic. And tragic.
According tae the Chattanooga Times, earlier this year Tennessee legislators "unwittingly" passed a law changing the requirements fir havin a city. Now, any 255 people livin together anywhere in county land, nae matter how close tae existin cities, can become a city untae themselves.
255 people. One acre ay land, maybe even less if ye can squeeze thit many people together. An apartment building would work.
Already, some are calling this the "Lawyer Retirement Act", oan the ground thit the lawsuits already arisin (cities, of course, hate this law, fir it usurps their Almighty Power; potential cities an those who dinnae want tae be annexed love the new law) will take ten yonk tae play oot in court. The legislature thit passed the law is, of course, ootraged by the law. Hey, they shouldn't a passed it. An since they did, they ought not tae be allowed tae use the Judicial Branch tae override it.
Quick Quiz: How does a legislature "unwittingly" pass a law?
Answer: If ye lived in Tennessee, ye'd understand. Unwittingly passing laws is one ay the more intelligent, harmless things they've done lately.
Middle Valley hopes tae use this law tae become a city. Those Higher Oop hope tae nae allow it, an both sides plan tae take it tae court. THO's argument against the law?
They say thit the law is invalid, since the government hud ane idea whae it wis doin, nor whae it was passin, when it approved the law.
If they're too stupid tae read the bills which they are passin...well, thit raises awl kinda questions aboot whae the hell, precisely, they ARE doin, an why the hell anyone elects ir pays them. God knowns ah did nae vote fir any a the arsewads feigning literacy in Nashville. But the point is, if they passed it, the government ought tae be bound by it. It's like in me Inconvenience Store - the parents say "Little Billy, you know you don't like Choco Cheese Puffs." But little Billy whines and screams til the parent buys it. Little Billy then takes one bite, hates the cripe, an wants somethin else.
"Well, Billy," the parents says, "you picked it out. Now you have to eat it."
It applies tae wee bairns, an I think it ought tae apply tae the government too. It's called "responsibility". It's the universal principle ay takin responsibility fir yir actions, nae matter how stupid. Readin the bills before they pass them - it's their job, it's COMMON SENSE. And if they screw up, let em rot. If I dinnae read a contract before signing it, and I wind up agreeing tae spend six months oan the circus as Psychosia, the Wretched Harpie Clown (nae thit this has ever happened tae me; it's just an example, really, ah'm serious, nae evidence exists), then it's me own fault fir nae readin whae I signed.
But nae - they government is outraged. At what? Government idiocy. Perpetrated by whom? Themselves. Perhaps they should run smear campaigns against themselves. The mayor a the soon tae be city ay Maddenville, TN, would be the first tae donate tae such a campaign.
Just as soon as ah gets finished unwittingly passin me own stupid laws. Law number one ay Maddenville: awl Inconvenience Stores are nae required, but strongly encouraged, tae keep a large, iron, spiked mace within easy reach ay the clerk. This law is nae aimed at any specific ethnic group; however, there have been rumors an sightings ay Successful White Males in Tennessee lately....
This rant is a work of fiction, and all events and characters contained within are fictional and in no way are based on reality.
Yeah, I wish. Unfortunately, thit wis true, awl true. They're real. And a big hi to Speaker ay the Senate Ward Crutchfield, an his lovely daughter Missy. Darlin, my ligaments have damn near recovered. When will ye calling me, you crazy little burd?
"I think democracy sucks." - Fidel Castro.
Next week, the opening ceremonies ay Maddenville. Uma Thurman will be there tae cut the ribbon.
The ribbon wrapped round the fridge, where MP and his 254 pet roaches are squeezed intae.
Okay, so that's a lie. Me an Uma broke up, and the cockroaches think I'm tae disgustin tae hang roond wi.
Anybody got 254 cute fuzzy kittens I can borrow?
AND NOW, AS REQUIRED BY NONSUBSTANTIATED ORDINANCES OF THE EVIL EMPIRE, M.P. MADDEN WILL MAKE A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Hi, this is M.P. Madden fir the Child Abuse Hotline. Remember, anyone kin call. It's easy, it's free, and cause it's anonymous, it kin be much fun. Fir example:
"Hi, yeah, ah want tae report a instance a chi-"
"Hold on, sir. Is this the Inconvenience Store again?"
"Umm... no?"
"Sir, I must inform you that while I understand how people sending in small children to pay for gas gets on your nerves, it does not actually constitute child abuse."
"It does when we get through wi the bairns."
Remember, folks, awl ye got tae do is call 1-999-2-BEAT-ME.
Thanks, and have a merry Christmas.
UM, M.P.? IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS.
In my mind, it's always Christmas. Wanna sit oan me lap? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho...