MANAGER'S NAME: Jorgé José, Assistant Manager (the actual manager recently converted to the Amish and refuses to watch any TV whatsoever. - JJ)
DATE: Day after last report
FAVORITE SMELL: Again, I must ask what this has to do w/the video logs... oh, okay, it's the stench of the despair of those whom shall purchase no beer in deference to their lack of proper proof of age
MARITAL STATUS: Give it up, Mr. Dark Overlord. Your incontinent stepdaughter's gonna have to get a date on her own. I mean it.
11 am: Hamm arrives. Considering he was supposed to show up for third shift last night, MP Madden is very pissed, till Hamm points out he's not late for yesterday; he's really, really early for third shift tomorrow.
11:30: Hamm and MP debate whether MP's bellybutton is, in fact, an off switch. As MP's voice rises, Hamm presses MP's bellybutton, rendering MP effectively unconscious for the next five minutes.
11:45: Hamm fears his smock is secretly plotting to kill him. MP and Hamm agree to switch smocks.
12:00 pm: Super Stoner Boy #349, after pumping $20 worth of gas, enters store and attempts to use ATM. Begins kicking and punching ATM, on grounds that "the stupid machine says my checking account's, like, empty." Having no cash, SSB then proceeds to begin writing a check.
SSB is truly, genuinely mystified as to why MP will not accept the check, and says he has no other way to pay. MP suggests the Dental Payment Plan.
12:17: On the phone, Joe's Pawn and Grin informs Hamm that three gold fillings are worth only ten bucks. MP stops SSB from leaving and, using a rusty can opener, additionally removes SSB's left kidney. MP tells SSB to wait for Ubiquitous Bill's arrival. SSB doesn't get the sarcasm.
12:20: Ubiquitous Bill informs Hamm that he has a client in Las Vegas who will be willing to pay up to ten bucks for a kidney. SSB is given a roll of paper towels and told that as soon as he cleans up his blood, he's free to go.
12:27: MP fears his smock is secretly plotting to kill him. MP and Hamm switch smocks.
12:51: Dirty shirtless redneck enters, asks "Can I use the bathroom?" MP responds, "I dinnae ken if ye CAN ir CAN nae use it." Redneck is mystified; repeats question. This cycle continues.
1:15: Hamm finally suggests to the redneck "May", instead. Redneck says "Your bathroom's booked up till May? Damn... and I thought that sinkhole out in Charlie's backyard was gonna be the social mecca of the summer..."
2:45: White Male enters, slams a twenty on the counter. "Five dollars," he says. MP says "Nae; thit's a 20." After great woe and gnashing of teeth, MP discerns that White Male is, in fact, attempting to pay for five bucks worth of gas. MP mutters something about verbs.
3:18: Successful White Woman driving Mercedes enters store, pays for gas she pumped, begins complaining that the "cut off" is broken. "Cut off? Whae do ye mean?" "It didn't stop," she says. "Stop?" "When I was done pumping, it didn't cut off, and it overfilled and sprayed all over me," she points to her dripping dress. "Hold on. Lemme get this straight. When your tank wis full, ye kept pumping?" "Yes." "Why did ye not stop pumping, ye eejit?" "It didn't stop!" "Obviously not! And now you're dripping gas awl ofa me store! Get out, and next time stop when yir tank's full!"
4:42: Hamm fears his smock is secretly plotting to kill him. MP and Hamm agree to switch smocks.
5:18: "Do you have a bottle opener?" redneck asks after purchasing a beer. MP looks over at bottle opener. "Yep." "You gonna let me use it?" "Nope," MP says, in keeping with the law against having open containers of alcohol in places without a license to serve beer. Redneck then attempts to purchase a bottle opener, and is mystified when MP refuses.
6:27: MP realizes he hasn't used the restroom in six days. Hamm reminds MP of the Things Living Beneath The Toilet in the Men's room. MP decides to hold it.
6:47: On radio, news update says biblical archaeologist Dr. Alex Roarke has discovered the fossilized remains of what he believes to be Cain, brother of Abel. Remains were found in Georgia. Georgia legislature is scheduled to meet in special session to discuss passing legislation to have Cain's remains zapped in electric chair, to "serve as an example to all them other heathens out there." MP has to crawl inside a cabinet for awhile.
7:35: Successful White Woman pumps $30 worth of fuel in her BMW, enters store, begins writing check. Hamm tells woman, "We don't take checks." Woman becomes belligerent; "You don't have no sign out there on them pumps." "Yes!" Hamm shouts. "That's right! We don't have a sign outside saying we take checks! And since by law we're not required to, anyone with ANY common sense AT ALL would then infer that since we have no signs saying we take checks, we must not, and at the very least you idiots ought to have the decency to ask first..."
7:38: MP crawls out of cabinet long enough to explain Dental Payment plan to SWW.
8:26: Hamm, on whim, eats the Teriyaki and Sour Cream Turkey Jerky.
8:48: Hamm demands MP relinquish cabinet.
8:49: Hamm decides he doesn't want cabinet after all. "And DO NOT tell me what that white sticky stuff was," Hamm says, wiping forehead.
9:12: SSB #143 enters, places $20 bill on counter. "Thanks," MP says, placing bill in pocket. "Noo... um... I want to pay for the gas out there on that car..." "Oh," says MP, "so sorry, but ever since I quit the Psychic Gimps Hotline, I've given up mindreading..."
10:23: MP fears his smock is secretly plotting to kill him. MP and Hamm switch smocks.
11 pm - 8 am: Hamm and MP place gum over camera lens. At random intervals throughout the night, I hear what sounds like chainsaws, a crowd of 10,000 of more, President Bill Clinton, mewing kittens, and the distinctive whine of a Borelco massaging product.
8:12: Nasty white people send child barely old enough to walk in to pay for the fuel in their '63 Dodge Smegmarta. Child leaves with brochure given out by Hamm, "So You've Decided To Send in The Kid To Pay for Gas - Thank You!!!" by NAMBLA. In it, the North American Man-Boy Love Association details how this sort of parenting makes pursing their "hobby" so much easier.
9:30: I arrive. Myself, Hamm and MP all switch smocks.
10:45: Finding the safe empty, I then quickly tire of MP's "hot/cold" game as to where he's hidden yesterday's cash, and throttle him. Hamm says he's "moved, not really, um... can I go now?"
11:02: Two feet out of the door, Hamm is seen rolling around in the parking lot, struggling with a strap from his smock which is wrapped tightly about his neck.