"Rumors of M. P. Madden's death have been greatly exaggerated."

Ah see that burd, an she's got a hundful ay poppy - ah run towards her 'n she start screamin' about whae shagged whae 'n when. Ah put my hand ofer hir mouth. She might a bit me, but before she coulda, I let go.

"Last seen a week ago, Madden was noticed at a Greyhound station trying to sell a plaid tie. He claimed it was a kilt."

"Dinna bite me," I sez.

"Whae not? Ye deserve it." Maybe ah do, maybe not. Awl ah ken is that ah'm the one whae's got whae to lose.

"After unloading his slightly revealing apparel on a tourist from New Jersey, Madden was seen boarding a bus to Tochumsee Falls, WA."

"Hae ye got the goods?"

"Course ay got it." Whae kind ay burd is this. She's sae paranoid. Ah dinna ken whae she's sae worried. She awt to be able to hear the wee thing.

"One of the passengers claimed that Madden was carrying a Natural Light beer box, the size that would carry 4 six-packs. There were mysterious holes in the top."

"Ye got awl the equipment ah need to use it?"

"Aye." Ah mean, whae kind ay burd would think ah'd unload the goods awn her winna the equipment. Cat nip n awl. The nerve.

"Good."

"Madden was noticed to have spent a disproportionate amount of time in the restroom of the bus."

Ah mean, really. Ay man's got to go, whan a man's got to go. "Whaer's yer loo, again?"

"Ofer there. Are ye not payin' attention? The door sais 'Men.'"

"Sorry." Gawd. She's squinky. After this deal, mibbe ah'll ask 'er awt.

"He was also seen to have been openly flirting with any female under the age of 35. 'It was just awful,' says one female who wishes to remain anonymous. 'He's not bathed in a week or so, I'd guess.'"

"Aw! Whae'd ye hit me?"

"Go awt wi' yew? Yer jist a small-time dealer. Yer radge fer thinkin' I'd even speak to you without ye had whae ay need?"

"After leaving the bus, Madden's movements have been a mystery. Some think he's been trying to sell drugs. Some think he's up to something more sinister."

Home sweet home. I really gawt 'n see if ay kin get rid ay some more ay me kittens that way. Jist a second more an' ay'm awt ay me car 'n in me bed. Clean sheets. An me wee cat, Deal an whae's left o' the litter. I cawl it the Kitten Coalition, jist me 'n 'em. Goat ta git rid o' the rest....

"This has been breaking news from the inVision News Network."