Americans are soft and stupid.
Greetings, fellow Pakistanis. I am MP Madden, official head of the Inconvenience Stores, Inc, welcoming committee. Tae make yir transition from Pakistan, where, as you know, awl c-store employees originate from, tae America as smooth as a bairn's bottom, ah am here tae give you a few tips aboot dealin wi the Americans.
Here's my favorite American joke:
Whae is the difference between an American and a stop sign?
Answer: Stop signs dinnae make thit awful whinin noise.
But enough wi the humor. In dealin wi this country's residents, two rules are tae be followed wi nae exception:
1. Always give the Americans whae they want.
2. Never give the Americans whae they want.
Confused?
Welcome tae America, the land ay the three nonsenses: Evil Nonsense (ir the Americans' view ay their own place in history), Goofy Nonsense (American Politics), and Innocuous Nonsense (Sports and Entertainment).
It's like this. Tae deal wi an American, you must treat him as if he's three years old, particularly if he's age 40 ir over.
Whae do Americans truly, truly want? Oft it's things thit are totally, utterly self-destructive yet useless, i.e. things thit destroy their nervous systems in such a way as tae give them pleasant sensations. And they want the right tae do thit, tae destroy themselves, no matter whom else they may injure along the way.
In other words, they want tae Get Drunk. And then, oan top ay thit, they want tae go out Drivin Round in Ay Bitchin El Camino whilst intoxicated, because the bigger and louder the vehicle, the more manly they feel.
Obviously, Rule 2 must be followed, since if ye give them whae they want, they'll kill themselves an take ye oot in the process.
Dinnae believe me? Go tae a bar. You'll find lots ay dirty, drunken rednecks who cheerfully own Large Cars an Powerful Firearms. They've even gone sae far as tae put an amendment in their constitution guaranteeing their right tae have the guns.
But Rule 1 must be satisfied. If ye dinnae give the average adult male American whae he wants, particularly if yir Us Behind the Counter an yir oot ay his favorite type ay Cancer Reds, you'll hear a whine tae rival the wettest-diapered infant ye can imagine.
An after the thirtieth time ay hearin this whine, in the space ay ten minutes, it truly ceases tae be amusin.
Therefore, ye must remember the Fundamental Principle ay American Economics, ir Rule 3:
1. Always give the Americans whae they want.
2. Never give the Americans whae they want.
3. It's up tae YOU tae decide whae they Americans want (preferably, something cheap and harmless, at least fir you, thit ye can sell tae them at an enormous profit), and then convince them thit they want it.
Sound difficult? It's nae. Sound unbelievable? It's nae.
Imagine: Right now, somewhere oot there, Some Dude is rich cause he convinced the Americans thit what they wanted was tae pay money fir the privilege of havin sunlight.
It's true. Sick, but true.
This is the thing: most southern white women, fir reasons ah can nae even begin tae fathom, want tae be dark. Yes, they revel in their whiteness, but they want their literal skin color tae be as dark as possible. Sae they spend lots ay time ootside, lettin the sun literally bake them tae a golden brown.
An Some Dude, he says hey, I ought tae charge them tae do thit. I could be rich.
Course, ye got tae make em think they're getting something more. Somethin extra, somethin New and Improved.
Sae the guy, he invents Sunlight, New and Improved. Thit is, he creates this little coffin, inside of which are lots ay bulbs which put oot enormous amounts ay UV rays; sunlight to the tenth power. It gives ye awl the skin cancer ay natural sunlight, but ten times faster.
Thus, the tanning bed is born.
Dinnae believe me, still? Okay. Go intae yir average Inconvenience Store and pick a product at random.
Here's one: Diet Mango 13 oz Plopsi Cola.
Did this happen: Male A, sittin ay home, drinkin his Plopsi, starin doon ay his beer gut an goin "Gee, I love this Plopsi, but I wish they'd make a diet version so my calorie count could decrease from five hundred thousand per day to four hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and fifty calories"?
And then, when Diet Plosi came oot, did he say "Gee, this is great, but now that I think about it, this stuff would taste so good with a splash of Mango"?
And then, when Diet Mango Plopsi came oot, did he say "Wow, I love this. Except that the twelve ounce bottles are just a shade too little to satisfy my thirst, and the twenty ounce bottles are a shade too much, and I'm too stupid to just buy a 20 oz and put it in the fridge; therefore, a 13 oz bottle would be perfect"?
Nae. Yet it sells like crackers. How? Why?
Cause advertising departments' main function is nae, as in a sane country, tae tell the population, "You have a need; we can fill it." In America, they exist fir the purpose ay saying, "You may not know this, but as long as you're living without Our Product, you're a lifeless, useless zeeb who will never find happiness or dates or success..."
Diet 13 oz Mango Plopsi.
Tanning beds.
Chocolate-covered pigs' feet.
Cigarette lighters in the shape ay beer bottles.
Versplachi Boxer Shorts, which are identical to Generic Boxers, except they have the trademark "Versplachi" logo and therefore cost ten times as much.
The New Lowfat Official NFL Cookbook.
Any, and awl, books written concerning the OJ Simpson trial.
Cancer Reds, in the special limited edition Joe Cancer Cowers Before Congress packs.
Think abbot it, O brethren, as you go Behind the Counter.