In honor of the death of author William S. Burroughs, M.P. Madden has undergone a "life-status change" operation (i.e., a brick to the skull), and is spending a week or so dead. M.P. will return as soon as a cure for death is found. Until then, we will present guest columnists.
This week, in deference to F. Scott Fitzgerald's comment that "a piece of dried meat product could write a better column than that M.P. guy", we present a stick of beef jerky's rantings. Sit, steep, open, enjoy.
What's it like to be a piece of beef jerky? Well, it's pretty boring.
First, I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then somebody eats my neighbor.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then William S. Burroughs' spirit is reincarnated as a piece of beef jerky sitting beside me. I ask, "Willie, what was it like to be a heroin addict?"
He says, "First, I shot up some smack.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe.
"Then I sat and stared at my shoe."
I say, "Oh, my, that's boring."
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then somebody picks me up, drops me on the floor, and puts me back on the shelf.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
Then I sit on the shelf and gather dust.
HEY KIDS!!!! Want your very own unofficial M.P. Madden screen saver? Then follow these very simple instructions:
First, take your dad's monitor. Open it up, and clean it out like a Halloween pumpkin.
Then, have yourself shrunk to the size of an action figure. For more information on shrinking, check out Newt Gingrich and his Amazing Disappearing Popularity Points.
Next, climb inside your dad's monitor. When he attempts to use the computer, turn so your ass is facing out from the screen. Drop your pants and shout "Kiss me butt, bucko!!" Then pull up your pants and repeat.