Sae (2sec. pause) there (2sec. pause) I wis. An (2sec. pause) ah had but (2sec. pause) one (2sec. pause) thing tae say:
Beam me oop, Scotty.
Ah mean, (2sec. pause) I dinnae get it. Do cops (2sec. pause) have tae put oop wi this (2sec. pause) cripe? When a (2sec. pause) cop pulls someone over doin 120 mph, does thit person (2sec. pause) look at the cop an (2sec. pause) laugh an say "What, you don't think I was doing the speed limit?" and then laugh (2sec. pause) as if they (2sec. pause) jest said (2sec. pause) somethin infinitely (2sec. pause) amusin?
It makes me (2sec. pause) want tae (2sec. pause) set mah phaser (2sec. pause) on kill.
Ah ask them (2sec. pause) fir ID fir their Cancer Reds (2sec. pause) they want tae buy, an they (2sec. pause) laugh and say (2sec. pause) what don't I think they're old enough.
An then (2sec. pause) the tribble-brained piece of dilithium droppings breaks (2sec. pause) intae a story. "Yeah, jest the other day ah wuz at Other Inconvenience Store an the guy ID'd me an I didn't have none and he wouldn't sell me no cigarettes to save my life..."
To "save my life"? I don't point oot (2sec. pause) the fallacy, sae obvious thit (2sec. pause) even a blind baby Vulcan could see it, thit the (2sec. pause) sale a cigs tae this eejit in (2sec. pause) nae way, shape ir form is goin tae do (2sec. pause) anythin toward prolongin his life.
UH, EXCUSE ME, SIR?
Yes?
I, UM, HATE TO INTERRUPT. BUT... WELL, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
It's me, M.P. I'm doing my Rant for this week.
NO. I DON'T THINK SO. M.P. IS DEAD.
No I'm not. I'm right here.
REALLY? SINCE WHEN IS M.P. WEARING A TOUPEE?
A what? I don't know what you mean...
AND THAT'S NOT AN INCONVENIENCE STORE SMOCK. WHAT IS THAT? THAT'S A... GOOD LORD! WHAT IS THIS CHEESY GOLD UNIFORM, WITH THE LITTLE SPACESHIP EMBLEM?
It's the new uniforms?
NO. HOLD IT! YOU'RE NOT M.P.!!!
I am too, you better say I am, I have agents, lawyers, an veritable army of hairdressers...
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! BUT WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Hey, a man's gotta eat. And T.J. Hooker just didn't work out the way we thought it would.
OH, COME ON. ARE YOU REALLY THAT DESPERATE FOR WORK?
Shut up.
LISTEN, YOU CAN'T BE HERE. THIS ISN'T YOUR COLUMN.
How'd you figure it out?
WELL, THE CONSTANT PAUSES AND BAD OVERACTING WERE A CLUE. AND THE STAR TREK REFERENCES WERE A BIG HINT.
Overacting! I will sue youuuuu
NOT TO MENTION YOUR HORRIBLE ATTEMPT AT AN ACCENT.
Hey, James Doohan himself taught me that one.
AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING. EVERYONE KNOWS M.P. IS A PAKISTANI - NOT A SCOT.
So the kilt was a bad idea?
VERY. DO YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE WANTED TO SEE YOUR LEGS?
Nichele Nichols said I have great legs.
THAT'S CALLED SARCASM, BUD. I THINK YOURS GOT LOST IN THE TRANSPORTER. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. WHAT IS WILLIAM SHATNER DOING WRITING M.P.'S RANT?
Well, I had to do something after they offed me in Generations. I had this really neat idea for bringing Kirk back, but for some inexplicable reason, the movie guys said the sound of applause echoing through the theatres as I died clued them in that I ought to stay dead.
Unable to bring Kirk back, I searched for something else. I remembered meeting M.P., who was our "Number One Caller" on Rescue 911, and figured since he was dead, I could bring him back and be him instead of Kirk...
WHY DON'T YOU TRY RESURRECTING YOUR REAL HAIR?
Shut up.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
Why not? I can see it now: "Inconvenience Store: Regenerations." Hamm and Captain Picard shoot a Cleaning Pulse into the cooler, and the radiation revives the frozen body of Madden. He awakes, beats Picard's wrinkly old ass into oblivion, then takes the helm - I mean, register - and pilots the store to Funworld, where M.P. proceeds to cavort about with a plethora of sexy, giggly, quintuple-breasted alien babes, none of whom make fun of his hair or his speech impediment...
OKAY, FINE. YOU CAN BE M.P.
Really?
YEAH. ON ONE CONDITION. IF YOU'RE GONNA BE M.P., YOU'LL HAVE TO TRULY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
You don't mean...
YEP.
But in all my years aboard the Enterprise, we never faced anything as smelly, foul or wretched as the Things Which Live in the Men's Room!
Never mind. I quit. Maybe I'll go off and revive that cute little squinker Clarissa, so I can finally Tell it All...
SORRY ABOUT THAT, FOLKS. NEXT WEEK, BILLY RAY CYRUS AND TONYA HARDING DUKE IT OUT FOR THE POSITION OF M.P., AND HAMM SAYS "WOO-HOO".
"Woo-hoo," says Lucy Lawless.
"That was my line, woman," says Hamm, ducking her mighty blade.
This week's rant was brought to you by the letters "R", "X", and the number 0. For more information on the number 0, please consult any Inconvenience Store employee's paycheck.