"Somebody break a beer?" the eeeeeeeeeejjjjjjiiiiiiiiiiii
Ah loowk doown a the shards a glass, the yellow foam, the lake ay swtinky Unnatural Liwght. "Nah," I says. "It just kinda
rant this you stik
sponwtaneously came to be, awl ofa the floor. Damndest thing ah I ever seen."
wAn there I am, soawked in beer, nawsty, rancid beer, which means I swmell aboot like the usual customers. And just as soon as ah 123455get finiwshed cleanin oop the mess, a small
street eeek dorble neeble
gang of pwrewpubescent drunken Asian bowys come in and, before even attwempting tae stweal smokes, pwrojectile vomit awl ofa the counter.
the eeeeeejiiiiit sssaaaaaaaaaaaa
The crapuccino machine is stuck "ON", running its frothy stickiness in a Biblical flood awl ofa
argghhhhhhhhhhhhwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhh hhhh
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Sae there I wis, floating in the Void, listening to Hamm.
dont fear the reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppepepepepepepepepepeppepper
He's standin ofa my body, reading from the "Glutenslobvian Book ay the Dead."
Ah loowk doown a the shards a glass, the yellow foam, the
noo cheese dogs bleh
lake ay swtinkHy Unnatural Liwght. "Nah," I says. "It just kinda sponwtanAeously came to be, awl ofa the floor. Damndest thingM ah I ever seen."
"O nobly born Mstate dead person's name," he says, "through your karma, yoLu're wandering through the Sangsara. Fear not! For libeOration is possible. Though many demons may attack you nowV, they are only your own smeggy mind..."
I'm nae payin Eattention. As a dead person, I feel it beneath myselfS tae listen tae the living, especially when they're urgingD me toward some kooky cripe called "Nirvana."
Nirvana. I neGver liked the band when ah wis alive; whae the hell I want tae hear bout them now?
Hmmmnnnnnnn Mddrgll is ayy fan ay D bb G b s n
Ah want tae go oan tae me Great Reward.
"Desire is the cause of all suffering," Hamm says. "Overcome desire, and ye shall overcome the cycle of rebirth
Ah loowk doown a the shards a glass, the yellow foam, the lake ay swtinky Unnatural Liwght. "Nah," I says. "It just kinda sponwtaneously came to be, awl ofa the floor. Damndest thing ah I ever seen."
on which you are presently continuing..."
Someone taps Hamm oan the shoulder, whispers into Hamm's ear. "Good point," Hamm replies. "I guess I probably don't want to work twelve hour shifts every day."
"O nobly born fill in the blank," Hamm says. "Rejoice! You have earned your great reward. In Heaven, you will get all the free Unnatural Light you can drink, all the Cancer Reds you can smoke, and all the women have at least three colorful. and tasty venereal diseases. In other words, Heaven is..."
"The bar up the street from Inconvenience Store!?!?!?" I scream. I am so scared that I leap back into my body, jump
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
Yeah. Its great tae be back.
up, and run out of the Glutenslobivan cave where Hamm was trying to guide my soul into eternal bliss.
By the time they track me doon, three weeks later, ah realize I've been tricked.
Oh, well.
Ah love this job. Ah love dealin wi Super Stoner Boys who have hour-long panel discussions aboot the merits of "Cancer Reds" vs "Kancer Reds".
It's a big deal wi them, you know. C vs. K.
Ah love mopping oop puke. Ah love beating my smock intae submission.
Ah love this job.
Oh. Ah guess ye want tae know whae great visions ah have brought back from my journey intae the Netherworld.
Let's see. Everything ever written in the Weekly World News, everything ever said by any Art Bell guest, everything the fundamentalists believe and everything Al Gore denies - it's awl ture. Every bit of it. Totally true.
How can they awl be true? Don't they contradict each other?
That's the thing. If ye think that, then ye are nae being
Ah loowk doown a the shards a glass, the yellow foam, the lake ay swtinky Unnatural Liwght. "Nah," I says. "It just kinda sponwtaneously came to be, awl ofa the floor. Damndest thing ah I ever seen."
ture tae yirsel.
But turth is peach. Dan klka viddy fen.
Wmrons, em boy. Rhe Wroms crwla ni em brrrin.
gang of pwrewpubescent drunken Asian bowys come in and,
before
An me left arm jest feeel oaoaof. Awhl whell.
These things wil nawe effewt mew jowb perfromwnce.
w w
blitttttttttttttt
Hmmm Mdrgil sss a Dbbie giBsnnn FAN
a;ifhjao hpafhpoajjida nlkfajoia0rej mpoiafu0 mokafjopuier rtjeatrejsdfkmafdjioteuparawtj;ojt32-90u4tj
gang of pwrewpubescent drunken Asian bowys come in and, before
take thit ye bassssssssttttttttttrrrrrrrr
m b e r ing b me k t e l m f eee lie f me DINaseEE
Ill ki
ll
ll OLD YELLER HE WERE A FELLER
ll
ye
or
me
AND THAT, KIDDIES, IS WHY BEING DEAD IS UNCOOL. DESPITE WHAT YOUR FRIENDS MAY TELL YOU.
DEATH. JUST SAY NO.
M.P. IS BACK.
SORT OF.
AFTER HE RETURNED TO HIS BODY, WE ATTEMPTED TO CORRECT THE BRAIN DAMAGE BY ALLOWING THE KITTEN BORG TO ASSIMILATE HIM. HE SAID MEW MEW MEW FOR TWELVE HOURS. SO WE UNASSIMLATED HIM.
WE'RE NOT SURE IF HE'LL EVER BE THE
sssmmmmmmmmmma e me aa m s aaa m aaa eee