Ootay, kiddos. I dinnae ken whae is goin oan.
Is it gettin better? Is it worse?
Dinnae ken, dinnae ken.
Went to yet another doctor the other day, in my pointless attempts to rid myself once and fir awl of mah bleeding, screaming ulcers and mah addiction tae Pepcid.
As he yanked my chain and poked my I don't even wanna think about whae was that orifice do normal people have those oh my I think whatever that hole is it's tryin tae speak, he admitted tae me whae I thought awl along.
He, er, Dr. X, I guess, was referred tae me as a No Bullshitter.
He was. He looked me straight in the eye and told me the truth.
"Mr. Madden, the previous doctors you've seen are pompous arsewads. They 'dinnae ken'; I don't either. Your stomach produces approximately eight times the acid as that of a normal human, and we have no idea why. Science is clueless on this one. The endless endoscopies, secretin tests, gallons of bloodwork and other "cripe" were basically a waste of your money."
"We don't know. Maybe someday we will and then we can do something about it. Till then, here's an endless prescription for industrial-strength Tagament. Thank God science has invented that, cause if you'd been born fifty years ago you woulda died of bleeding ulcers."
"Have fun."
I dinnae ken, dinnae ken.
Agent Dana Scully is posing as a third shift clerk at my store. It was a dead giveaway- every time someone asked if the new Choco Death ice cream was any good, she'd give them the chemical formula, then mutter about how some chains of molecules weren't meant tae be combined.
I assume her undercover work has something tae do wi Mulder's obsession wi the Things Which Live Beneath the Toilet In the Men's Room.
Dinnae ken, dinnae ken.
I'm starting a list. Things Which When Owned By People Will Make it Quite Difficult for Them to Get Into Heaven. So far, I've come up wi the following:
That's it so far. Submissions of other items will be accepted and posted.
I have truly enjoyed the latest exploits of Saddam Hussien. Anyone who can stick it to Americans the way he does is okay in my book. He's playing the U.S. and the UN like a ten dollar pawn shop fiddle. Yeah, I've been reading bad detective fiction lately.
Dinnae ken, dinnae ken.
Listen to WAY FM. Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Eat more Ramen Noodles. Hug a vegetarian. Play Jennifer Love Hewitt's albums at full blast at 3 a.m. Drive like Grandma.
I dinnae ken.