Twas the night before Xmas, and all through the store,
Not a creature was stirring, except for the clerk, and a couple of whores,
cause he doesn't get Xmas off, you stupid bastards.

The beef jerky was all hand painted green with care,
and very, very few of them were growing any
hair whatsoever, I mean it, man

The drunks were all nestled in the dumpster with bottles of beer
To numb their frostbitten, worthless hands that ain't done no work save waving holiday cheer
just before throwing up in the men's room.

The Things in the Men's Room dove in the loo
And a bunch of annoying dancing mechanical gorillas were
struck by lightning and gained consciousness and screamed BOO

M.P. knew it must be part of some global plot
To drive him to insanity; he ate his own snot

"My, my, that's tasty", he licked his paw
When in ran a Dark Overlord, and his aged grandma
who had just escaped from a nearby nursing home and was also incontinent

The corporate exec saw MP's boogery snack
And laughed, seeing the market potential, and cut off MP's
hand and took it to the lab for further study

MP was cool with that; visions of Workman's Comp danced in his head
When along came a magical man in red

It was Rev. G.D. Flantantino. He poured his Holy St. Ides on M.P.'s hand and healed it and M.P. didn't get shit for Xmas, not even a stupid workman comp check, or some porn to use in conjunction with his floppy, crappy new left hand, (if you use your left hand it feels like someone else is doing it, seriously), you stupid bastards.

And now, a word from G.D. on the "real" meaning of Xmas:

"See, once upon a time there was Santa. Clause, that is. Santa he be up in Heaven. Every year once a year he come down reward all the good folk, see. They put out their stinky ol socks and he love the world so much he put presents in em.

"But nobody good no more. He gotta put nothin but ol' lumps a coal in their stockins, his way a sayin straighten up or you BURN IN HELL, boy.

"For Santa so loved the world that he sent his only halfway decent reindeer into the world. Rudolph the Red Nosed that is. Rudolph his only begotten (doan ask) reindeer, he come down the chimney, get his fur all nasty cause Santa love the world and doan wanna put no mo coal in no mo stockin.

"Rudolph say, 'I am the way and the truth and the life; nobody ain't gonna get to ride to Heaven in Santa's sled cept by the light of my red nose.'

"And all the people, they say, 'Shut up, freaky-assed talkin reindeer!' And they nail ol Rudolph to a giant X, bleh! And so every year we celebrate Xmas, to commemerrrate this dark chapter in our hisstry.

"Therfore, to git to heaven yo gotta have ol Rudolph in your heart, antlers and all, they sticking in your ventricles, them sharp antlers, ow ow ow-"

Thanks, Reverend. Er, good story.

Yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, to all of you, I give profanity:

HAPPY HANSON MMMBOPPING SPICE GIRLING RALPH REEDING XMAS, YOU STUPID CHRISTIAN COALITION TYPES!!!!

Dirtiest words I know.

See you when I get this candy cane out of my