| "God bless us all, each and every one of us, except the goddamn niggers and the jews." |
| -Tiny Tim, An Extraordinarily Racist Christmas Carol, by Charles DicKKKens |
That's right, kiddies. The holiday season is nigh upon us.
Planning on tellin the little brats they weren't good enough to get any presents from Santa? Or do ye need a little extra cash this year?
Inconvenience Stores wants you to suceed wi us.
Suceed? Don't ask.
All you have to do is fill out this simple application:
Finish the following sentences:
1. Sometimes I think everyone looks at me and their little hearts go...
2. The problem with carrots is...
3. If my mother weren't such a whore...
List the three major themes in the following poem:
What various incidents horribly and tragically disfigured your soul
Did the gods and other extraneous cosmic entities fail to grant your last request
Perhaps you should take a multivitamin
Birthday girl, birthday girl
May worldwide financial crisises have no significant effect on your day
The burden of proof moves lightly
Your detractors will not attack but instead misconstrue slightly
Your afflictions are biochemical in nature and require a holistic approach
You board the aircraft carrying an anthology of eulogies which you purchased in a gift shop that had a clever but otherwise unmemorable literary allusion of a name
Overcompensate the waiter, ska doo
Birthday girl, birthday girl
List Jennifer Love Hewitt's home phone number
Observe the following situation:
You stand behind the counter. A burnt out hippie looking guy in camo carries up a bottle of beer.
He looks at the "DRUG-FREE WORKPLACE" sign on the door. He buys a pack of rolling papers. He does not get the irony.
"Drug free?" he moans. "Drugs is good."
"Yeah," you say. "Drug free. Like, if you take too many drugs you'll kill off all but three of your brain cells and you'll wind up just like Ted Nugent."
The guy is not not not amused.
"I am Ted Nugent," he says.
"Oh." You shrug. "Want an application, Mr. Nugent?"
"That ain't funny! I'm gonna make a comeback! I got a solo album coming out next year!"
You shrug. "Yeah, yeah, I know; I was kidding."
He seems satisfied. Until you say, "I was kidding. We wouldn't really hire you."
Now, if Charlton Heston is the NRA poster-boy, and he's recently put out his own version of the Bible (about which he says, "People think the Bible's hard to read cause it was originally written in 16th century English."), his only qualification for this version being the fact that he once played Moses, and if Ted Nugent is also an NRA gimp, and they are both in trains traveling in opposite directions at 100 mph, which one do you sell St. Ides to?
Answer: Neither. Rev. Flantantino already bought all the St. Ides.
Finally, what are the two major problems wi Inconvenience Store selling made-in-China WWJD rings and keychains?
Answer: 1. Made in China? In China owning a Bible is a capitol offense. And speaking of hypocrisy, 2. I.S. doesn't even close on Christmas, the godless capitalist pigs.
But the WWJD rings sell like hotcakes.
More on that later.
For now, congratulations! You passed the test!
Stock the cooler and leave me the hell alone.