To : Mike Madden
From : A-- B-- (name deleted per request of Art Bell, the sender)
Dear Mike:
Hi, it's me, A--. Just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know what I'm doing. You may wonder, "What happened?" I understand it is major network news that I suddenly quit my show. Well, not to worry, Mike. The truth is out there - and I'm not even gonna make you pay to see the X-Files movie to see it.
Myself and my illegitimate daughter, Monica L------y, after her breakup with her boyfriend Mr. "Prezzie", have gone into hiding. You see, I am deeply in love with her. Is this incest? Well, you're a southerner; you tell me.
Rant, whine, slurp.
It's not incest. Monica is actually the daughter of the Evil Art Clone from Dimension 44423292-OOP. Therefore, technically, it's not. I swear.
None of this has anything to do with why I left the show though.
Rant, whine, slurp.
I like cheese. Do you like cheese? But I digress.
I left the show not because Monica and I are getting married, or because the ceremony is being performed via timelink in the year 1971 by Rev Elvis.
Or the fact that she is pregnant; ain't mine; is Agent Mulder's.
I'm off the air because I'm giving the show to you, Mike. You deserve it. You're so cool. You rule.
NOT!!!!!
I left my show because
and I'll be back
so don't worry. But you understand how wiley those shaved squirrels are.
Anyway, rant and whine on.
Monica says slurp.