So, you're thinking about quitting smoking.
You say it would be healthier. You say it would save you money. You say, it's a new year, a time for making resolutions to better yourself.
Well, first there are a few facts you need to consider before you decide to quit:
The only reason President Clinton started Operation Desert Fox, started another war with Iraq, was because he was about to be impeached. Until now: sanctions and admonitions, sanctions and admonitions (as if Hussein would ever actually go, "Gee, now that the UN has passed a resolution calling me a Not Very Nice Guy, I see the error of my ways. Thank you, UN.") But when the impeachment vote was days away: bomb the hell out of them!
Sure, kids, it's only coincidence. Believe that.
The only - ONLY - reason Bill Gates has made Internet Explorer an integral part of Windows 98 is to justify how he has forced computer makers to package IE with Windows. That's the only way to make sense of having IE open everything from My Briefcase to the Recycle Bin. It's like having your car stereo control your car's ignition, steering, etc. Darth Gates wants you to come to the darkside, kids.
In the next year, you are going to hear the phrase "Y2K" an average of once every .098 seconds.
Still wanna quit smoking?
If you do, I can help.
Here's a few tips.
Make smoking as unpleasant as possible. Smoke all you want, but put the cigarettes out on your forearm. Or just drop the butts in your underwear and hope they go out.
Whenever you feel the urge to smoke, exercise instead. Or better yet, go to sleep. Or better yet, do both simultaneously. I call it "Sleepercising." The only problem is trying to figure out where to rest your head on one of those Stairmaster machines.
Come to think of it, don't bother putting your butts out. Just swallow them.
If you're a guy, trying smoking only Virginia Slim Ultra Lights. Be sure to do it in front of your high school gym teacher. He'll have lots of amusing things to say.
Join the army. Refer to all your superiors as "Snowball".
Every time you have a smoke, give me five bucks.
See number six.
Check out number six. Really, it's the best one I've come up with so far.
And, finally:
Send hourly emails to the Philip Morris Tobacco Corp. detailing your struggle to quit. Also, call them and write them. They love to hear from their customers.
(So where, you ask, is number nine?
I'll tell you when I get this thing lit.)