WB CHANGING NAME TO FELICITY NETWORK
In the wake of episodes of school violence such as the Littleton, Colorado student shootings, the WB television network has announced a drastic revamping of its nightly lineup. "We care so much it hurts," WB spokesperson Gerald Pimento said in a press conference this morning. "We gotta do something. This isn't about money. This isn't about trying to rouse up free publicity by showing our sensitivity. This is about ratings, goddamn it." Pimento said that shows such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed will remain part of the WB's lineup, but, in the wake of school violence, will next season became blatant imitations of their top-rated show Felicity. Basically, Buffy, for example, will go on to college, but forsake her Slayer duties in favor of going to New York in order to stalk a really, really cute guy. The show will focus on Buffy's wacky romantic misadventures in the Big Apple. Whenever Buffy gets into a problem too deep for her to handle, such as a bad report card or not being able to afford a cute new outfit, Giles will appear and throw money at the problem till it goes away.
"Our target audience is people who have IQs below 60 or who don't speak much English," Pimento said. "It's the formula that's made Felicity such a big hit." When asked if Buffy in her new incarnation will, like Felicity, have dream sequences in which she takes an AK-47 and blows away her parents for not buying her a car, Pimento replied, "Well, sure. It's that whole Ally McBeal thing. So she has violent fantasies. It's only a show, for God's sake, it's not real life."
Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy, has been replaced by a giant talking turnip. "Me big fruit," the turnip announced today. When it was pointed out that the turnip is, in fact, a vegetable, the turnip said, "You no respect me diversity. Me sad now. Wahhhhhhh. Hi, mom."
"My heart goes out to all the heroes at Littleton," Pimento said. "They had real good aim too. Too bad they shot only a couple dozen of those invading Soviet commandos. And I thought it was way depressing when Jennifer Grey's character died." When asked what the hell he was talking about, Pimento said, "I don't know. I get all my news information from a giant talking turnip."
Pimento was asked if the show Seventh Heaven would be Felicityized. "Of course," he said. "The main character is a minister. Ministers deal with icky stuff like death and the afterlife. As far as the WB is concerned, from now on, there is no death. The good guys are stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats and the good guys always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."