ROBERT RUBIN TO LEAVE OFFICE AFTER DISCOVERING PENIS
Washington - On Wednesday, Secretary of the Treasury Robert Rubin announced he was resigning from his post after discovering his "winkie".
"It's the coolest thing," Rubin was quoted as saying in a press conference early Wednesday morning. "I mean, sure, it's been there dangling between me legs for years, but I guess I never really figured out what it's for until now."
Apparently Rubin, 52, had on Monday been in a conference with the President when Mr. Clinton announced he needed to "go potty." Rubin, whose bladder was also full, followed Mr. Clinton into the Oval Office restroom. He noticed that after the President finished "draining Little Willy," the President paused to briefly stroke and fondle his genitalia while gazing at a picture of his wife Hillary. "Well, actually, it was Hillary's head pasted onto the nude body of porn star Jenna Jameson," an unidentified aide commented.
Rubin, mildly uncomfortable but also intrigued by the President's self-pleasurings, decided to try it for himself.
"Oh, goddamn, it was like the fourth of fucking July," Rubin said. "I mean, mammaw always told me there was a purpose for my big ol wang-dong, but she died of a Chocolate Zinger overdose before she could tell me what it was for."
Rubin's wife is pleased that he plans to spend his retirement with his family. "Just so long as he stays in the bedroom with me and keeps away from our kids," she said. "Now that he finally figured out his cock, he won't put the thing away. So far he's showed it to the mailman and a couple of clerks at Favorite Market, and the comments have been pretty positive, everyone wishes him well." Fortunately, at today's press conference, the podium covered the lower half of Rubin's body.
It was noted that during the entire conference, one of Rubin's hands remained constantly below the podium.
"Oh hell yeah, I'm doing it right now," Rubin said. "Come on, you guys, you reporter party people, join in with me. I'll demonstrate if you want."
A female reporter pointed out to Rubin that it would be physically impossible for her to "wank her throbbing monkey shaft." "Why?" a puzzled Rubin replied. "Why?"
During Mr. Rubin's retirement, Mrs. Rubin plans to explain to him how girls are "different down there." She had no comment, however, on the origin of their children.
Rubin's replacement, a circus eunuch, hopes to stabilize the Dow Jones after a "violent, spewing upsurge" in prices following Rubin's announcement.