MAN WINS EVERYTHING IN LAWSUIT
CHATTANOOGA, TN (AP) - In what is being described as a "possibly excessive" verdict, a jury awarded a local man everything in a lawsuit on Tuesday. Twenty-nine year-old Bernie Blatts, a former employee of Texaco station #139 on the corner of East Brainerd and Graysville road, was given "absolutely everything ever" as compensatory damages for his "totally fucking useless, fucked-up, meaningless existence." Who precisely Mr. Blatts sued is still unclear at this point; the defendants were named only as "all those goddamn assholes who've turned my fucking life into a pile of shit."
This is the last in a series of lawsuits won by Mr. Blatts. In October of last year, station manager Frank Steeb was forced to "let Bernie go" after an incident which cost the store approximately $29.54. Mr. Blatts, a cashier, had apparently gone outside to the gas pumps, filled an empty milk jug with gasoline, then entered the men's restroom, where Mr. Blatts proceeded to "huff the living shit" out of the gasoline vapors. Five hours later, Steeb, the manager, discovered Mr. Blatts lying unconscious and naked on the floor of the restroom. The register was open, the cash missing, and several customers were, according to Steeb, "filling their pockets with everything they could snatch while that worthless kid snored."
After his firing, Mr. Blatts sued Mr. Steeb and the Texaco corporation. "I am powerless over the heady, alluring stench of gasoline fumes," Blatts testified during the first lawsuit, in which he was awarded 25 million dollars. "I am an addict to vapors - gasoline, glue, spray-paint, dirty socks, I'll fucking stick godddamn near anything in my nose." Although the Texaco corporation has a policy that all employees with a substance abuse problem are to be referred to a treatment facility (expenses covered up to fifty percent if the employee has signed on with the company's "Fast Lane" insurance program), Mr. Steeb failed to inform Mr. Blatts that potential help was available.
"He fucking called the cops and had me arrested and everything. Shit, man, like, I was already on probation after that incident with the neighbor's bitch whore cunt of a daughter..." Mr. Blatts mumbled into the microphone at the trial, his eyes glazing over at the sight of the court reporter's bottle of White Out. "Huh? Shit. I'm horny."
After winning the first lawsuit, Mr. Blatts filed another $25 million lawsuit against his parents. "They shoulda known what a worthless cuntface I was. I mean, fuck, just listen to me." For failing to "properly whoop-ass the EVIL out of their shiftless brat when he was young enough that it might've done some good," the parents of Mr. Blatts were forced to pay Bernie $25 million, and allow Bernie to "have some fucking phat-ass bitches and ho's in my damn room for once. I'm fucking twenty-nine years old. Dammit, Dad, I'm old enough to have girls spend the night, shit."
Before suing for and winning "everything," Mr. Blatts also filed litigation against the Chattanooga school system, the entire State of Tennessee, the Presidentially appointed United States Anti-Drug Czar, and an elderly Vietnamese couple who frequented the Texaco station and referred to Mr. Blatts as "bad-smell gas breath boy."
What does Mr. Blatts plan to do with everything?
"Shit, I just shit," Mr. Blatts said at a press conference outside the courthouse. "No kidding. I just shit in my pants. Diarrhea. Ugh. It's running down my leg. I think it was them tacos I ate. Think I'll sue Taco Bell next."
When it was pointed out to Mr. Blatts that he'd already won absolutely everything that ever was or will be, he said, "I know you are, but what am I?"
Members of the jury could not be reached for comment.