CHRIST ADMITS "PROBABLY WON'T BE COMING BACK SOON"
Heaven, Seventh Outer Cosmic Sphere (AP) In an announcement that has sent shockwaves through Christian communities across the Earth, Jesus Christ the Son of God and Savior of Mankind has declared that it's "pretty unlikely I'll be going back down there (Earth) anytime soon.
"I'm sorry I misled you all," Jesus Christ said in an interview today after His Holiness's weekly viewing of Buffy: The Next Generation (not yet available in this dimension). "I mean, I thought I was pretty clear about the whole thing. Check out, hmmm, I think Luke wrote that bit down; hey, Luke, come here! Yes. 'This generation shall not pass away till all these things are fulfilled.' When I told My disciples about My grand, glorious triumphant return to rule Earth after that whole crucifixion business, I meant in their lifetimes. They expected My big return before they died, and honestly, I meant to come back. I did."
Apparently, shortly after his death on the cross, Jesus returned to Heaven to "get a few things of mine, there was this great Nezebeduccharrstifiary album I liked and record players hadn't even been invented yet on earth, you know, stuff like that." Jesus found Heaven in great turmoil over a new dress code the Lord had instituted on the angels. "They hated the idea of uniforms, but God thought it would be a good way to keep discipline, prevent any more nasty uprisings, and shut up those guys on the Lucifierian Government In Exile committee." Christ wound up at an extended board meeting. "I took a break early on, you know, popped down to earth, let the disciples know I was okay, I even let that Thomas stick his finger in the hole in my side." Christ then returned to Heaven to finish the meeting, which wound up lasting forty-four years. "I figured, forty years, that's no so bad, should still be at least one or two of the original twelve left by then."
Jesus says His followers should have had a clue when the generation did, in fact, pass away, and His return had not yet occurred.
"I mean, Paul? Who appointed that guy My spokesman? The guy was so busy trying to cover up his closet homosexuality that he never listen to a thing I tried to tell him. I wasn't happy with the direction My followers were going. Writing all that stuff down wasn't the greatest idea either - if I'd wanted someone making transcripts of all My words, I woulda done it myself, while I was still on earth. Pretty soon everyone's arguing the Gospel of Thomas vs. the Gospel of John and nobody's paying attention to the things I actually said, just sending nasty letters back and forth about what's supposed to be canonical or not. Kinda funny really; you'd think with all the reading they were doing, they would've learned something." To anyone who wants to know if Christ will be back anytime soon, He's got two words: "Spanish Inquisition."
Or, alternately, "700 Club."
"I mean, if I do come back, I've got about a fifty-fifty chance. Maybe they recognize Me. Equally likely, they label Me the AntiChrist. For example, I'm pretty much against school prayer. I told you people, when you pray, don't make a big deal out of it, go pray in your closet, even. But when in the last, I don't know, well over a thousand years, has Christianity had a single thing to do with Me? When I said don't worry about what you'll eat tommorow, don't worry about finances at all, God will take care of that, I meant that literally. When I said I've come as a sword upon the land, I meant that metaphorically, I meant believe in Me and you'll change so radically that your family and friends and countrymen will likely curse you at first. Instead, you people, you're doing it backwards. I've got so-called ministers building up stock portfolios and retirement plans because, hey, why trust God to take care of you? And I've got people driving around with GOD, GUNS AND GUTS MAKE AMERICA GREAT bumper stickers on their pickup trucks.
"You earthlings didn't listen to me the first time I came down, and the more I think about it, the less likely it seems you'll listen to me if I come again. God's already given you freewill to choose between right and wrong; I've already told you the difference between salvation and damnation; you're on your own from here on out. Quit buying $79.99 'Revelation! The Truth About Jesus's Imminent Return' videocassettes from Jack Van Impe. Every century since 1 A.D., some huckster's gotten fat off my 'imminent return'. Live each day in the present, follow your consciences, and, please, do NOT bug me about that gorgeous new SUV you saw at the Lexus dealership."