WHEDON SUCCUMBS TO HYSTERICAL MOB
Los Angeles, CA (AP) After a nearly twelve-hour long assault on his home, Joss Whedon, creator and executive producer of the WB network's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel series, has finally given up. Disgruntled fans gathered on the sidewalk at dawn and began ritually disemboweling each other with their official Buffy Home Slayage kits, and tossing their steaming intestines at his front door.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Whedon sighed as his pale minions gave a rousing chant of "SEASON FOUR SUCKS!"
The protest was first announced on the Usenet alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer newsgroup, where, according to regular poster SpikeRules321, "we've been trying for the last six months to get the J-Man to comply with our demands. At first, we tried the polite approach. 'Buffy is expected to wait patiently for Angel's return and must not so much as hold hands with anyone else, or we stake Cordelia/Charisma Carpenter.' I think that was pretty subtle."
Why kill Charisma? "Cause she's such a slutty bitch, duh," SpikeRules321 said. "I hate cheerleaders like her, think they're better than everyone else."
But isn't Cordelia merely a character Charisma plays, and in no way indicative of Charisma's actual personality? "Hey, man," SpikeRules321 said, "I just stole my mom's car and drove 1,500 miles so I can gouge out my eyes and toss them at Whedon. Don't fuck with me."
Spike321's comments were greeted with sympathy by other fans.
"It's pretty simple," a young male who wished to remain nameless (lest he 'get the shit grounded out of him') said. "Season three, I got to make out with Willow and boink Faith. Sure, Cordy broke up with me, and that sucked, but I did get one whole episode, 'The Zeppo' devoted to me and me alone. And we blew up the school. Kinda sucked, though, the mayor was my fav adversary."
Joss waved a rake at the crowd and growled, "Goddamnit, why can't you people live vicariously through 'Saved By The Bell' or something? Go get laid, you'll feel better, I promise."
At noon, three fans slit their wrists so that the others might scrawl bloodily upon Joss's vinyl siding. Demands written included "Buffy and Angel getting back together", "Angel coming back and getting together with Buffy", "No more Initiative", and "Make everything same as Season Three, but different".
Another fan, I'mTheRealFaith, said: "I thought we were way totally clear on this. At the end of season three, we repeatedly posted the GAWHINS (General Agreement of What Happens In Next Season). The GAWHINS was as clear as any FAQ. We spelled out, in excrucating detail, exactly what we expected of Season Four. All we asked of Joss was to follow GAWHINS to the letter, while simultaneously suprising us with interesting new characters and completely unexpected plot twists. I personally was kind enough to pay a private detective to find the addresses of Joss's mother, his cousin, and five of his ex-girlfriends, and then I mailed them each multiple copies of the GAWHINS, in case Joss somehow lost his."
"I am praying for your death," Joss replied.
The protest was momentarily interrupted when two major players in the world of fandom, WorstEpisodeEver and RevSteveDave, came to blows over the morality of distributing Buffy episodes via the internet. "That's copyrighted material, and that means you're a thief!" RevSteveDave said. "God, get a life," countered WorstEpisodeEver, who dropped out of college last year in order to devote more time to masturbation. "Hey," RevSteveDave said, "it's not like I actually work for the WB or Fox or Whedon, but episode bootlegging does affect me personally - being indignant about it gives an inflated sense of purpose to my existence. Being pissed about nothing I can control is as intoxicating as heroin to me." WorstEpisodeEver replied, "Thank God I'm not that pitiful. Now, let me give you the URL of the site where I rewrite episodes they way they shoulda been written...."
Whedon eventually agreed to change unpopular new aspects of the show. "I'll make Giles a librarian again. I'll bring back Faith. I'll get rid of the Initiative and Riley Finn. Spike and Dru will get back together. Please, just don't bleed on my Volvo again."
"I could make this whole season a dream, I suppose," Joss continued.
The suggestion was met with screaming jeers. "A dream?!" one fan said. "That's even dumber than the ep where Angel turned human, got Buffy back, then the entire day was stricken from time itself! Goddamn, can we say deus ex machina?"
"Then what do you want me to do?" Joss said.
"We don't know!" the crowd yelled. "It's your show, after all."
Members of the cast could not be reached for comments.