Many of you have written asking about both the positive and negative impact that sex with pets can have on a normal family. I've decided, therefore, to write this guide.
Are you considering bestiality? Ready to explore new frontiers, to boldly go where no man has gone before? Sex with animals is actually a rather ancient form of debauchery; carvings on the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem depict Eve fornicating with a snake, and hieroglyphics in pyramids indicate that the Egyptians found dogs, otters, and Greeks reasonably attractive. Bestiality is normal, in much the same way incest is normal. Wow, my extra thumb is neato. McDonald's puts horse meat in their burgers. Outer space is better when you have a friend along.
Huh?
Oh, um, right. Okay.
Bestiality. Before you do it, you must be prepared. There can be many consequences, both good and political. Hello, senator. So are you sure you want to do the nasty with Fido?
Really, you shouldn't. There's no excuse for abusing animals that way, no sir, especially if you consider the nation's sizeable Hispanic adolescent illegal-alien population. However, if you're absolutely jonesing for a genuine furry orifice, keep the following in mind.
Cats: A cat can't tell you when it's in pain. They have no way of communicating any emotion besides hunger. Therefore, check every five minutes to make sure it is still breathing.
Goldfish: Remember, the human colon can hold up to six gallons of water.
Donkeys: Some can be trained to speak, a la Mr. Ed. However, the only thing donkeys generally discuss is their Libertarian party affiliations, so it's a bad idea, really.
Firemen: Most firemen enjoy a good, hard nipple twist. And grape juice.
Amoeba: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Starfish: Lick in a circular motion, then attach to penis.
Dogs: Do not remove canine penis after ejaculation. You will regret it. Let Fido take it out when he is ready. Do not rush this.
Snake: I can't imagine what you'd do with a snake. I don't, oh, wait, oh, yeah, I get it.
Girls: They can be stunned briefly by shiny objects.
Earthworms: Bake at 500 degrees or until crispy. Coat with melted chocolate.
Maggots: They'll wiggle their tiny tight shimmery white bodies upon anything. Anything.
Dinosaurs: Capture using tranquilizer gun. Tie firmly with rope. Use scissors to cut away purple costume. Grease orifice liberally. Repeat if desired.
Chickens: When bribing the farmer, be sure to compliment his tooth.
Greeks: Capture using tranquilizer gun. Tie firmly with rope. Use scissors to cut away toga. Grease orifice liberally. Do not repeat.
Horses: Horses are easily "spooked." Therefore, you should swallow, don't spit.
Gerbils: Goddamn, what does the word "cliché" mean to you bunch of fuckwits?
Dodo Bird: Yup.
Bald Eagle: Remember, they are endangered. Help them replenish the population.
I hate you all, and pray for your deaths. Until next time, ya'll....