To bring you up to speed on the situation, here's a brief summary of everything ever that has led up to this article:
In the beginning, there was The Onion. Being one of the funniest sites on the net, it inspired countless crappy imitators, including this site's own "Mike's News." Eventually, however, after The Onion won some award-thingy and went all "mainstream" and shit and fell out of "vogue", the halfwits of the internet needed something new and fresh and cool to rip off.
Ergo, the latest trend. People publishing shitty web imitations of Maxim.
Now, pretend you're some sort of research and development guy (or "R&D", as they're called in the "biz") working for one of those strapping young dot-com companies. Pretend it's your job to come up with fresh, new, exciting, cash-flow-increasing ideas. You start surfing the net, searching for inspiration. You see half a trillion Onion wannabes out there, and six thousand Maxim clones, not to mention Landover Baptist.
What goes through your mind?
Start YET ANOTHER in-your-face humor zine! Except, unlike the thousands of free ones out there, you'll charge people MONEY to read your 'zine! Woo-ha!
I can't be certain, but I imagine that's the way PCXL began.
So is PCXL so much funnier than all the other websites out there that its creators deserve your hard-earned cash? Well, examine the formula for one of their feature pieces, entitled "Wookie Reporter."
Okay, so I made #5 up.
Anyway, busting a gut yet? Rolling on the floor? Peeing your pants?
If not, witness COMA BOY, their attempt at Onion-esque humor! A faux-news article about life in a coma! It's funny cause the coma kid never actually does anything! Har, ha, har!!!
Since their webpage featured a "Feedback" link, I decided to send them a friendly critique:
To: letters@pcxl.com
Re: Site
If you took an issue of *Maxim* and an issue of *The Onion*, took everything that's great about those magazines and combined them together, then tossed all that greatness into the can, the resulting bland, lifeless pulp would still be funnier than your site. I can't believe you actually think people would pay for your content. I'll enjoy seeing you all on www.fuckedcompany.com . You're the dumbest thing I've run into since the CueCat. How do wankers like you get financing for this? Are venture capitalists reallly so stupid?
Love,
Mike
PS: Suicide is always an option.
I admit, I wasn't expecting a response. At most, I figured they'd put my e-mail up on their letters-to-the-editor page and follow it with some snarky comeback, and I'd never see it cause I refuse to pay diddly to access their 'zine.
I was pretty surprised and pleased when I got the following:
To: Mike
Subject: Re: site
From: gkenyon@imaginemedia.com (Garrett Kenyon)
And why do fuckknobs like you spend time writing a website that you hate so much? Go out and get laid, buddy, it might help dislodge that stick from your ass.
-garrett
p.s. I'm not even working on the pcxl site, but you are such a dumbfuck that I couldn't resist sending you a letter.
Wow! My heart went pitter-patter. Seriously. I couldn't believe a live human had responded to me. And Garett refrained from the kind of "thanks for your blah blah input blah blah" bullshit that plagues many corporate employees. Garrett was decent enough to give me a real, heartfelt fuck-you, something rare and wonderful in today's business world.
Naturally, I responded in kind.
On Fri, 27 Apr 2001 09:52:43 -0700, you wrote:
| And why do fuckknobs like you spend time writing a website that
| you hate so much?
Because of the "Feedback" link on the site. It left me with the impression that the site's owners were interested in my, well, feedback. Besides, I'm generally drunk when I'm online, and I need something to do with my hands while I wait for my incontinent transvestite midget porn to finish downloading.
PS: Tell whoever does work for the site that the "Wookie Reporter" bit might be funny if you actually had a Wookie costume.
Garrett's response to that?
Nothing.
He never wrote me back.
So, in the most mature, levelheaded, adult manner possible, allow me to say:
Nyah, nyah, nyah, you bunch of weenie-headed, chimp-assed, mouth-breathing Maxim-wannabes.
Furthermore...
I am beyond pleased to report that a week after this e-mail exchange, I visited PCXL's site. There was no content there. Instead, the following message appeared on the front page:
We had a standing bet.
Tens of thousands of people emailed us after we closed PCXL. They told us that if we brought it back in any form, they'd pay for it -- pay even more for it than before.
We knew it wasn't true. So, just to prove the point, we brought it back.
You didn't pay for it. Now cram it.
Love,
The staff of PCXL
Yup, just as I'd predicted, their site has closed and they've gone OUT OF BUSINESS. Nyah, nyah, nyah, I was right. Yay, me.
So, in conclusion, the score:
Mike: 0
PCXL Corporation: 1
Yup, that's right, they win.
Why?
Sure, in my opinion their site sucked crusty donkey hemorrhoids, and any thirteen year-old could have come up with more daring, interesting content, but THEY MADE MONEY. I imagine they've made twenty, maybe even thirty bucks off their site.
Which is more than I'll ever make from writing this shit.
I have to go masturbate all over my copy of Britney Spears's novel now.
Peace out, ya'll.