Did you know that the Titanic was actually brought down by by a German submarine? Did you know that six weeks before the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, FAA director Mark Mathis proposed strict new anti-hijacking measures, but Congress and the airline industry rejected them as being "wiggy wack"? Did you know that Adolf Hitler's penis was gay, but the rest of his body was heterosexual? Of course you didn't!
But I did.
My name is Reed Irvine, and I fucking know everything.
Did you know that the Disney corporation has filed for bankruptcy eighty-six times in the last year, and receives secret bail-out loans from Satan? Did you know that my fingers are 7/8 of an inch longer than a normal person's? I am Reed Fucking Irvine.
Did you know that prior to the Sept 11th attacks, the U.S. government was given fair warning, but chose to ignore it? The government received nine thousand complimentary copies of Tom Clancy's new novel "Uber-Verbose Assholes At Sea," which contained a detailed plot about a terrorist group named "Sand Niggaz" who hatched a scheme called "Operation Fuck A Lot Of Shit Up." They used a brand-new technique called "hijacking", in which the terrorists would buy plane tickets and pose as passengers, then kill the pilots and crash the planes. Me Reed, you Reader. The FAA, upon hearing of this evil plot, proposed new rules such as asking all potential passengers "Are you a terrorist?"; welding the cockpit closed after takeoff; not selling tickets to anyone ever; and not allowing more than one Arab per flight. Did you know a missle brought down TWA flight 800? I have a secret tape in which President Clinton admits, "Missles exist."
In 1994, the CIA learned that Osama Bin Laden had bragged to a close friend that he one day planned to "destroy the great Satan," almost certainly meaning the U.S! The story was leaked to the press, but none of the major media reported it! At the time, Peter Jennings commented, "Who the fuck is Osama Bin Laden?" Connie Chung commented, "I am dripping wet and spreadeagle kinky monkey, and only 1.99 per minute."
French Stewart of the New York Holler commented, "Osama says shit like that every like five goddamn minutes. Duh. He never shuts up about how much he hates the U.S. It gets on all his friends' nerves. Osama's buddies are, like, 'Hey, O-dogg, ya wanna go get some dinner,' and Osama replies, 'In the Great Satan they eat babies for dinner. I will kill them all! They even shoot down their own planes, such as the missle that destroyed TWA flight 800!'" What the fuck am I talking about? I have proof that Bigfoot molested Monica Lewinsky, and the CIA stood idly by. Did I mention I am Reed Motherfucking Irvine? Have I menitoned TWA Flight 800 in the last five seconds? A congressional aide admitted, "This room smells funny."
Who the fuck is that guy on the poster with Bert?
Reed poot nap whee.
Sleepy now.
--Reed Irvine is head of Accuracy in Media, a media watchdog group. Mike is not.