HEY, YOU BLOATED FUCKHOLES! IT'S MIKE'S GUIDE TO FASTING

Many teenage girls have written me, asking for tips on how to lose weight.

By "lose weight," I mean "become anorexic and go for days and days without eating, being sustained only by Tori Amos songs and Internet message boards." Several "pro-ana" sites have cropped up on the 'net, as bored middle-class teenage girls not only admit they suffer from various eating disorders, but are proud to be little pukers.

Well, Ms. Moss, I can give you the following advice:

1. Move out of your parents' house. I cannot overemphasize how important this is. As long as you continue to live with your parents, they will provide you with food, shelter, love, psychiatric help, and countless other hindrances to you reaching your Full Thinness Potential.
2. Move to Russia, or any other former Soviet Union state. Get a nice peasant farmer family to adopt you. Years of failed communism, followed by years of failed capitalism, have reduced much of the population to a state of abject poverty. Instead of saying things such as "Darling, please eat your dinner," your new family will cheerfully exclaim "Get your goddamn hand away from my wheat, you bloated fucking cow bitch, or Oksana will gouge your goddamn eyes out." You'll get a head start on your modeling career, too, when the Russian mafia recruits you into its lucrative child-pornography industry.
3. No one has ever been harmed by cocaine use. Coke and crack are healthy, legal, nonprescription appetite suppressants. They'll boost your energy and curb your cravings. If you're having trouble locating a reputable dealer, contact your local law enforcement agency. They'll be thrilled to help.
4. Each of your legs weighs an unnecessary thirty-two kilos. Think aboot it, eh?
5. Not only would I have pulled the proverbial switch on Tim McVeigh, I would have done it while eating Fritos and moshing in place.
6. Eat all you want, but save all the solid waste you produce. Punish yourself by having Hormel Beans 'n Turds for dinner every night.
7. Find mouth-related activities that don't involve food. Blow Steve Urkel.
8. Get some styrofoam. Cut chunks of it into McNugget shapes. Then, use magic markers to color them golden brown. Enjoy! For extra flavor, try dipping your nuggets in Honey Ammonia sauce.
9. Take up smoking.
10. Consume all the pork, beef, and chicken you feel like, so long as it's served live.

I hope I've been of some help to you, Rexi, and if not, I can't believe it matters.

Plur!

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